sex warehouse

Happy Day after July 4th! I hope you all had a lovely time blowing things up, drinking too much, and tending to your sunburns. What? That's just me? Oh well then, welcome to Tuesday anyways.

First, let me just say thanks to everyone that provided great insight and support on my situation with "My Worst Thing" coming back around. It took my several days to process it and get over my shock and the rush of fucked-in-the-head feelings that came with the situation. But alas, action has been taken.

I had a divine intervention of sorts. I went to church on Sunday, as I have been trying to get back in the habit of doing, and low and behold the sermon was on the concept of Grace. Which basically is us receiving Grace as a benefit which we don't deserve. Something that can't be earned but is given to us anyways. This was the message I needed to hear. I walked out knowing exactly what I needed to do to put the situation with my Ex behind me.

I came home and replied to his email. I basically just said that I wanted to acknowledge his apology and that I thanked him for reaching out to me when he felt compelled to do so. I also told him that there was no sense in assigning blame to things now and that I hoped that he had found the peace and acceptance that he was looking for. I wished him well and signed off.

I never felt so at peace as I did when I hit "send" on that email.

And then he replied. Almost immediately.  He said he understood that it was probably hard to respond to him and that he thanked me for doing so. He also said that he had expected a much different response from me, I am assuming he thought I would go off on him and drudge up all the craziness. I think he was almost hoping I would so he would have something to fight with me about but maybe I am assuming the worst. He offered to make himself available to me should I want or need anything further from him. I assured him I would be asking nothing of him and that I had no need to take him up on his offer.

He kept putting very leading statements in his reply, like he wanted me to ask follow up questions or open the door to further conversation, to give him a chance to tell me all about how much better he is as a person and how much work he has done on himself. Instead, I just kept it very neutral, extended goodwill to him and signed off.

He replied again, almost instantly. This time it was short and abrupt. I knew that me not engaging him would make him angry. He hasn't changed nearly as much as he claims he has and just because you throw "God Bless" on the end doesn't make it nice.

There was no reply to his last email and there won't be. I feel like I have accepted the apology he extended and have made peace, really this time, with the situation as a whole. Huge sigh of relief on that and not a single thought of regret for how I handled it.

Thank you guys for hearing me out as I thought through the situation. It means more than you know!

Normally I would be doing a "Soft-Core" Friday post today but in light of recent events, I have something else I need to get out today. Hopefully you aren't mad at me for it, I'll get back to the regularly scheduled fun-filled programming soon I promise if you will allow me this indulgence.

A few posts back, I was challenged by an Indie Ink peer to write about the "Worst Thing I've Ever Done". If you haven't read it yet, you might want to first because this will make a lot more sense with that for context. I wrote about how I fell in love with someone that didn't deserve my love and that was truly the worst thing I have done. Well, it looks like putting the situation back out in the universe got me exactly what I was hoping to avoid: he's back.

Yep, out of the blue. After nearly an entire year of nothing from him. No apology, no "how are you", just nothing. He had shut me out and cut me off so completely from his life that I didn't even know if he was still around or if he had moved back to Texas. It was a blessing in disguise because after the loss set in and I had allowed myself to move on, I didn't want to have to know anything about where he was or what he was up to.

So on Thursday, around lunchtime, I get an e-mail. Not on my normal e-mail account, but through the online dating site that I play around on from time to time. That's where we originally met. That's how I get it now. Nice. The title of the email? "An Apology".

As soon as I saw his picture, I stopped breathing. In that single second, I had about 100 different thoughts race through my head. Why? Why now? What does he want? Should I just delete it and block him and be done with it? I loved him.  He's so cute. Shit! I hate this!

I just sat there for a minute, contemplating what to do next. Eventually, I decided I needed to read it. They are just words right... what harm could come from just reading an email?  Well... I should have known better. His words, whether loving or hurtful,  always hit me in a way that was far from casual or matter-of-fact. This was no different.

He did it again. He drew me in with his words. Only these were different. An apology, it certainly was. I won't share the email here but he, in detail, took accountability for what he did and how he reacted. Apologized for the hurt he had caused, the conflict he created with my ex, the connection he had with my daughter that he walked out on. Everything. He pretty much addressed every single thing that I had been turning over and over in my mind for the last year. And I appreciate that.
Here is the line that hit me the most:
im sorry that when i entered into a relationship with you that i wasn't prepared to be a 
better man at that point

Woah. Right.

He didn't make any request for response, no plea to be let back in to my life, no excuses for anything. Just owned what was his to own, wished me well, and assured me that he has learned from our love gone wrong and has taken steps, both spiritually and emotionally, to do the work on himself to get his shit together.

I don't really know what to think. On one hand, I am really touched by his apology and feel I should acknowledge it. On the other hand, I wish he had never contacted me and would have just let it be. Now I'm all fucked in the head about the situation again and I hate that feeling worse than hurt or anger or just about anything else.

And no, the irony is not lost on me that just earlier this week I had talked about "clearing the slate" of my current distractions (which so far this week I have managed to do in case you were wondering)  and finding what I really want. Thanks karma.... once again, you have proved you are a bitch.

So now what????? I have no idea. I'm going to take some time and just really figure out why I feel so fucked up about what should be an innocent email and go from there I guess. Did I mention how much I hate this??

I know, I have some stories don't I?  In honor of my drama, today's video is The Story by Brandi Carlile