sex warehouse

I got an email the other day that I think really shows what is wrong with Genpo Roshi’s Big Mind™ scam. With the writer’s permission I’d like to share it with you:

Hello Brad,

Just wanted to say its nice to read your stuff and it was nice to read about opposing opinions on the issues of Big Mind™, whether it is right or wrong.

I have experienced Big Mind™ on two occasions, once in a small setting with close friends, and I must admit I enjoyed it and I agree I did have a wow kind of experience, experienced some trippy stuff, you could say experienced oneness of some sort.

My second time was on the island of Ameland and this time with Genpo Roshi on a nine-day retreat. Zen in the morning and Big Mind™ in the afternoon.

Overall I had an unpleasant and at times quite frightening experience and I have been trying to get to grips with it since.

The main issues were what I believed to be repressed sexual abuse, as there is a history of abuse running through our family, and also a running theme of confusion over sexual identity.

When I was unable to deal with what was coming up for me (this included thinking I was the voice of the devil or emptiness unowned) I asked to speak to a zen teacher I know. He suggested I speak to Genpo Roshi about it, not privately but in the group settings with about 250 people plus camera crew. Again I managed to do this after three days and felt it seemed right but I also think after it that I was in a state of shock.

It felt like at times that Genpo Roshi was in my head but maybe this was my delusional paranoia or another voice.

I’m not too sure what I am saying. Only that the retreat left me feeling pretty shocked, like I had taken an acid trip and very fearful of touching it again. My thoughts were wholly suicidal and I was glad to have my girlfriend and someone to talk to when I got back.

I’m left feeling very confused as if I shouldn't question Genpo, as if he knew better than me, like he said at the end of the last session, "I have you exactly where I want you." The final voice he requested was that of the voice of Vairocana Buddha. For me this felt like I was having heart palpitations. And then after a friend of mine dropped semi dead on the floor after he asked him to show him 'mu' dead. I stood and said, “I am gay.” But I didn’t mean it like that. I thought I was responding to what he wanted.

I’m not sure if you can make sense of this or offer me anything but it would be nice if there was further material on Buddhist practice and sufferers of abuse. Just wanted to know your thoughts were. Part of me thinks I should get a good therapist the other thinks fuck this shit I have had enough.

Thanks for your time

Here is my reply:

Thank you for writing. This is exactly why I think Big Mind™ is such a horrible thing.

One of the things that really bothers me is that Genpo wanted to talk to you not in private, but in front of 250 people and a camera crew. That is just rotten. Really, truly rotten. These things he is running are far too big. A sesshin with 250 people is no longer a sesshin, it's a circus. And even if all 250 were not at the sesshin proper, allowing that many outsiders to attend even part of it turns it into a circus. The man is after publicity and sees you as a way of fueling his act. It's utterly sleazy.

Sorry for the rant. As far as the specifics you're taking about... It's quite normal during Zen practice for hidden stuff to come up. Much of this can be sexual in nature. I've known a lot of people who report memories of childhood abuse or who find themselves questioning their sexual orientation. I've never experienced the former personally. But I have had a bit of experience with the latter.

I think the general norm as far as sexual orientation is concerned is to be either mostly heterosexual or mostly homosexual. You can be exclusively one or the other in terms of action. But in terms of thoughts and desires most of us have a bit of the "other team" within us. I certainly do. Since zazen brings up everything, that stuff's gonna come up as well.

The problem with Big Mind™ is that it's so focused on those Big Wow® moments that it forces you to go through this kind of stuff much, much too fast. If you go into it slowly the things you uncover have a bit of time to get processed. You're like a paleontologist gradually brushing away the dirt until after a month or so you reveal the entire tyrannosaurus skull. If you were to just pull it out in one movement, the sight of it (let's imagine you're the very first human to see one) would be shocking and horrifying. If you uncover it slowly, you have a chance to get used to it before revealing the whole thing.

This is very important. Without this slow process, you can't possibly come to terms with what you discover. All you get is a big nasty shock with no context. Or a big blissful shock with no context. Same thing.

I hope you don't drop your Buddhist practice entirely. But I would very highly recommend staying as far away as possible from Genpo Roshi and anyone associated with him. He knows nothing. He isn't in your head. He only has you where he wants you in terms of abusing you for his own greedy ends. The man wouldn't know Buddhism if it sat on his on his face and wiggled.

A friend of mine recently told me that she thought it seemed like I had a vendetta against Big Mind™. I think that’s true. This is serious business. Big Mind™ is irresponsible and dangerous.

But there is a lot of irresponsible and dangerous stuff going on in the world of this type of cheesy vaguely Eastern feel-good-now spirituality. The reason I have focused so much attention on Genpo Roshi’s rotten Big Mind™ scam is because it pretends to be related to Zen. Not only to Zen, but to the Soto tradition of Master Dogen. Genpo has even stolen Suzuki Roshi’s phrase “big mind” — first used in his book Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind — and trademarked it for himself (SFZC really should make a legal complaint about that, since they own the copyright to Suzuki’s works). But Big Mind™ has nothing whatsoever in common with real Zen practice.

It’s not related to real Zen practice because Big Mind™ is focused on having some kind of special experience, a massive and exciting moment of spiritual orgasm. Zen practice has no relation to these moments. They are not the goal, just a distracting side road.

After that first exchange the guy wrote me another email that said, “I don’t want to appear hateful. My overall concern with these big experience as you say is that they put the experience over and above the welfare of the individual. This seems to show little concern for what happens after. I mean shouldn’t it carry a danger warning, or have therapists on standby or a hotline to call afterwards? You are just stripped clean then sent on your way.”

My sentiments exactly! It’s not nice to mess with people’s heads this way. And Genpo Roshi and his team are not nice people. They’re charging big money for a very dangerous experience without taking even the least degree of responsibility for the damage they do. Even traveling carnivals have more concern over safety.

There is no sense in me trying to convince anyone else to believe what I believe about this Big Mind™ horseshit. Nor can I stop anyone from trying it, no matter how much I wish I could.

I can’t convince you to accept my opinion. But I can make it very clear what my opinion is. And I hope that by doing so I might encourage others, particularly other Zen teachers, to speak out against this abuse of Buddhism.

Some people think it's a violation of the Buddhist precepts to point out garbage like this for what it is. Genpo and his buddies count on this mistaken interpretation of the precepts to intimidate those who ought to speak out against what so many of us can see clearly is abusive and harmful. I don't agree with that interpretation. This is some very nasty shit. And all of us who teach Zen are implicated in it by association. Our silence allows it to continue.

Fuck you Genpo Roshi.

1. Almost everyone in my life knew I was queer before I did, one of my parents included. I was in hardcore denial until fairly recently, mostly because I was brought up in a place where "the gays were damned to eternity in hell" and where "fags" got beat up in school. Realizing I was someone that could inspire such strong feelings, even if they were bad ones, from so many people that I knew and grow up with was intimidating and liberating at the same time.

2. I hate when people say that I'm a lesbian. I don't think I am. I'm just me; who I happen to be sleeping with shouldn't mean anything. I may be with the most amazing woman on the planet, but I still think penises are cute.

3. That being said, if I had to identify as something I would say I'm gender-queerish. I would considering going through the transition process if I wasn't phobic of hospitals/surgery/drugs. I love it when people mistake me for a guy - those are the few times when I really feel like I'm myself.

4. Also, the first time I ever used a strap-on was quite possibly the most amazing sexual experience I've ever had. It was awkward and there was much laughter and general confusion, but I was lucky enough to be with a patient partner who knew more about what to do than I did.

5. I was engaged to a boy once. We'd dated for five and a half years and it seemed like the right thing to do. I'm so glad that I realized it was a mistake before we actually tied the knot.

6. My ex (#5) raped me - even if I didn't understand that was what it was at the time. He just pushed the issue of anal sex until I gave in and it was the most horrible and painful thing that has ever happened to me and I couldn't make him stop. I still can't handle any anal play because of it, I have panic attacks if my partner tries.

7. I've always been concerned about not knowing the limits of my own strength, especially in bed. My partner LOVES spanking but it took me a long time to be comfortable enough to try it. Turns out I really like spanking her so the moral of the story is that it's always good to try new things.

8. Body art and modification makes me horny. I think piercings and tattoos are unbelievably sexy, the more the better. I have twenty-three piercings and two tattoos with many more of both planned. There's just something about a person taking their already amazing and unique body and decorating it that I find so hot. It also shows that they're okay with a little pain, which I like to think means they might be okay with kinkier sex. True? I don't know - but it fuels my fantasies so I believe it.

9. Bondage is something I've had a hard time learning to enjoy. I really like my partner being able to touch me when we're having sex, but I have come to understand that she needs to be tied up and ravished every now and then.

10. I don't think I'll ever be okay with being submissive, I'm a top through and through. I like being able to control a situation and taking care of my partner.

11. My younger sister has had way more sexual partners than I have, but is still not okay with her sexual fantasies and kinks and I'm far more accepting of mine. I think that I've accomplished more with my few sexual partners in that respect. Learning that what you like is okay, no matter what it is, should be priority number one I think.

12. I'd never had an orgasm with the guys I slept with. I'd never masturbated either. It was just not something I understood at all - I grew up in a sheltered, Christian, homeschooler family where sex just was NOT talked about outside of "save yourself for marriage". My first orgasm was with my current partner and it was a revolutionary moment in my sex life.

13. I'm ashamed to say I faked it ALL the time with my male partners. I usually just wanted them to get on, get off and get out. It's something I wish I hadn't done, and looking back now I'm not sure why I felt I needed to do it.

14. When I first thought I might be having sex with my current partner I immediately ran out and bought "How-To" books on lesbian sex. I liked her so much I didn't want to screw it up. Performance anxiety? You bet.

15. Having a fuck-buddy did wonders for my self-confidence in the sack. Just knowing that there was someone out there that could just want my body and not necessarily need my intellect was strangely appealing.

16. I think one of my deepest, darkest fantasies is of a rape/non-con. scenario. I think it would help me get over a lot of my trust and control issues in bed. I also know that I'm not ready for it yet. But maybe someday.

17. I love that my partner thinks my rugby uniform is sexy.

18. I think dreadlocks are hot, even though I would never get them on myself.

19. I'm a size queen, the bigger the better, girth especially. Not freakishly thick or anything, but 2 1/2 - 3 inch dildos are perfect for me. I have yet to try anything bigger than that, but I'm pretty confident that I could not only take it, but love it.

20. Somewhere deep down I'm pretty sure I'm a romantic. Even if what I consider romantic is assembling a bookshelf or calling and bitching out the cable company just so my partner doesn't have to do it.

21. I was really, unspeakably, insulted when one of my friends said that I was 'U-Hauling' my partner because we had only technically been dating for a few months when we moved in together. It was so much more complicated than she understood and we both knew it was just the right thing for us, and hearing a decision that we had talked about at length trivialized pissed me off. There shouldn't be a timeline for a loving relationship in my opinion.

22. My whole back is almost hypersensitive, it's my biggest erogenous zone. Nipples, ears, neck, NOTHING compares to how sensitive my back is. The lightest of touches makes me horny, running fingernails across it makes me beg.

23. I once was so into going down on my partner that I got a nosebleed from breathing so heavily through my nose and not coming up for air properly. Had to learn that breathing comes first, cunnilingus comes second.

24. I can't watch porn. I've really tried to, all different kinds, but it either grosses me out or makes me laugh. I'd rather go off and HAVE sex than watch actors having it.

25. That being said, I really enjoy erotic literature and artwork. They leave something to my imagination.

In response to the last post Stephanie said, "I find this kind of motivational cheese off-putting because it's great for those of us who have had the luck and ability to pursue and realize our dreams, but not so great for the people who did not. A lot of it is out of our control and I think the notion that people who don't realize their dreams simply did not believe in themselves enough is feel-good yuppie fluff that isn't true. Life is hard and some people do the right thing and still suffer.

"I've learned a lot from my mother, who has suffered many disappointments, lost a lot, and has many dreams that were unfulfilled. She works a job she doesn't like and that holds no meaning for her, but for many reasons has no options but to continue. But she has grown in wisdom throughout her life and not always getting what she wants or realizing her dreams is part of what has made her wise. The beauty of Zen: we are liberated from 'what we want' and no longer have to be yoked to its tyranny."

Good points. I'm sorry the post came off a bit like one of those cheezy "reach for your dreams" things. But it wasn't so much about going for your dreams as about not letting others define for you what you should be. It sounds like Stephanie's mom has managed to avoid letting others define who she should be. Good. And by the way, I never said anything like, "people who don't realize their dreams simply did not believe in themselves enough." Just FYI.

It's been amazing to me to see that even getting exactly what you want is never really getting exactly what you want. Like Johnny Ramone said, "Being a rock and roll guitar player is a great job. But in the end, it's still a job and I still hate it." Disappointments come from both not realizing your dreams and from realizing them. Disappointment may have very little to do with either. I've gotten exactly what I wanted many times and been deeply disappointed.

Yet, on the other hand, there is something to be said for the old "reach for your dreams" nonsense. I think we all know innately what the universe wants us to do. And yet we are easily deterred by society that has its own often deeply confused and wrong-headed demands. Those dreams you have may or may not be narcissistic desire for grandeur. They may, instead, come from your connection with the whole of society and the whole of reality and a clear vision of what it is you need to do in the world. You may be sensing what society actually wants rather than what it thinks it wants.

In that sense of it, letting others convince you that you can't do those things does as much of a disservice to them as it does to you. Going for your dreams may be the best thing you can do not just for you, but for everyone.

Still, what you really want may be, in fact, to be a garbageman and not a movie star. There is dignity and worthiness in any occupation or station in life. It's society's confusion that tells you othewise, tells you that what you have now is unworthy. Disappointment may be the difference between what you actually want and what you think you want.

I'd say the beauty of Zen is to be liberated from what we think we want and to find out what we actually want.

Oh and good luck, Philbob! Maybe this blog will replace OK Cupid!

Now onto some questions from my bulging ... uh ... mailbox. That's it. Mailbox!

I'm a dad of two young ones, 2.5 and 0.5 years old to be exact. I'm finally getting around to reading Zen Dipped in Karma and in it you have an aside where you mention that from our childhood we've had this idea of self drilled into us by our parents, and that it is not our parents fault but that we need to work through zazen to untangle all of this. However, we also need to teach our kids how to "play the game" of society that everyone buys into so they can be successful as they travel through it. I'm coming to accept the world as contradiction but it is hard to instill this idea of contradiction into kids. It is hard enough to instill the idea of eating with utensils (however I have instilled a deep love of The Clash and John Lee Hooker into my daughter, And Bad Brains. She loves Bad Brains.) So how do you think this would be done? I feel that I have this great opportunity to perhaps point them in a direction where they will already be that much farther along when they do get older.

Ho boy. I have no children (that I know of!*) so I am supremely unqualified to give parenting advice. But here are my thoughts on the matter anyway.

It is absolutely necessary for children to be raised with an understanding of how most people understand the world. They can't survive without that. And I understand that even managing that much is a huge amount of work for any parent. You mentioned eating with utensils and that's just a small part of teaching children how the greater society works and how to interact with it.

As far as the other stuff goes, I think you demonstrate more than teach. Kids will pick up on the fact that you don't really buy into society's bullshit without being told. And they're being conditioned by more than just you, anyway. So you don't have much hope if you try to fight all of society by yourself. No matter how hard people try to be the one sole influence on a kid's life it never really works.

I've been a horn-ball since I was a kid, and sexual tension keeps coming up as a distraction in all kinds of situations. How do I keep it in check? Sex has some kind of weird truth to it that comes in and smacks me on the face when I think I'm all balanced. The only sensible way I've come up with to incorporate it into my practice is to think of everything as sex.

In "Sit Down and Shut Up" you talk about how a friend of yours was looking at a hot girl and said she was out of his league. Your perspective was that just by looking at her she has already given something to you. When I apply that sort of gratitude to actual sex it actually gets a lot better. Any thoughts on how that fits in with zazen? By the way, when I do zazen at night and I get sleepy, sometimes sexual thoughts come in and wake me up and I let them, and sometimes if I don't hold onto them they seem to help the zazen.

Oh lord. I do know what you mean. I've often felt like the only guy in the zendo with a sex drive. I know now this is not true. And I suspected it even way back when.

When I started out I was almost always the youngest guy in the room at any Zen place. Usually by at least 10 years, most often more. This tended to accentuate my isolation in the sense of feeling like the only guy who ever got horny. Plus there's an unhealthy pretentiousness that develops in Zen places. It's not cool to admit you have a sex drive, so everyone pretends they don't.

But sexual thoughts are just one category of stuff that comes up. Like other thoughts they'll pass if you don't feed them. But it's often really hard to resist. Sometimes zazen brings up deeper stuff. And the sex fantasies that can be released can be much hotter than the ones you'd consciously create.

Thoughts don't really need to be kept in check. Actions certainly do. Thoughts can be very free. You can't control what comes up. The best you can do is learn to let it go.

I like the idea of thinking of everything as sex. For lots of people, sex is the one area of life in which they're truly participating 100% without holding anything back. Learning to approach the whole of life the way we approach sex might have some real value.

* Actually I've been very careful throughout my sex life, so definitely I have no children.

1. Images of gay sex, kissing and mutual masturbation (both m/m and f/f) really turn me on.

2. Droughts have become a part of my sexual routine. After losing my virginity, I didn’t have sex for three years, then have had one or two year breaks in between partners.

3. I lost my virginity at fourteen, on my bedroom floor whilst drunk, to a seventeen-year-old guy who I knew through a friend. We had sex once more, in the toilet of a friend’s place, again drunk. I barely remember either experience, except that it was painful and I felt self-conscious about being naked.

4. I didn’t enjoy sex until about the eighth time. It wasn’t so much that it was horrible or uncomfortable, just that it never met my expectations. I think my ideas of sex had come from books, where everything seemed so much more meaningful and significant. It was less about romance and more about the animalistic, orgiastic scenes. I was underwhelmed by the reality, and it took me a long time to realize that I needed to take control and ask for what I wanted.

5. I've had sex with three other people before, but found it difficult to coordinate. I'd really like to have a threesome with a guy and another girl.

6. I had a hymen which refused to break. It stretched (painfully) for the first few times, but when I tried to have sex with a guy with a larger penis, the pain was unbearable. In the end, I had to have surgery to remove the extra tissue. Afterwards, I was scared to try again for a while, but got involved with an older woman during this time, and she made the whole experience not only bearable but great.

7. I have been with both men and women, from my age to thirteen years older. I find all the preconceptions around 'bisexuality' really hard to navigate. I'm definitely not 'party-bi', but as I haven't had any long-term relationships with either gender, I don't know that I could really 'choose' either gender to focus on. I have found that men make me feel good at some times, and at other times women turn me on more. I don't want to impose definitions on myself or anyone else, but I have found it really hard to know how to identify. Straight people don't tend to understand that I can be really involved with women, while other gay women tend to assume that I'm just 'playing gay'. If anything, gay men have been the most accepting friends in my life.

8. The anti-depressants that I take made it extremely difficult to have an orgasm for a couple of years. Eventually I asked my doctor to change the medication – a total lack of orgasm made me feel more depressed. Since then, I have often reached climax much faster than my partners have.

9. I don't think I've ever really been in love. In lust, maybe, but I don't think it was ever love.

10. I saw ‘Holy Smoke’ as a twelve-year-old. I have often thought of it during sex and masturbation. Although I don’t often fantasise about rape, there is something I find enthralling about power balances within sexual relationships. The scene where Kate Winslet is standing naked in the desert and wets herself seems to be branded onto my brain. She is so gorgeous - delicate and emotionally devastated, yet with this amazing strength and glow.

11. I’ve never had a relationship longer than two months, either sexual and/or emotional. As soon as I realize that I actually like someone, my expectations of them change, and I freeze up. It’s often the same with purely sexual relationships - when I begin to really enjoy myself and feel comfortable, I tend to pull away in order to avoid becoming emotionally involved.

12. I have unsafe sex despite knowing better. I think it's some sort of personal test, like I need to prove something to myself. I get tested really regularly, to the point where my doctor asked if I was doing sex work.

13. I prefer photographic erotica and pornography, rather than video or audio porn. I feel more sensitive to auditory "faking," and I like to imagine those parts of the fantasy in my own way.

14. I recently had the morning-after pill for the first time. I had always been vigilant about taking the Pill, but stopped recently without any real reason. When he asked me where he should come, I said I wanted him to do it inside me. Late the next day, I realised that it could have been a life-changing moment and that I needed to reverse it.

15. With female partners, I have never given oral sex. I have received it but none of the other women have wanted me to do it for them. I want to try though, because I find vaginas so enticing. There's something about the fleshy softness of them, I hope that I can taste and touch one/them in the near future. I find penises quite repulsive and struggle to work out how to stimulate them properly. Giving head disgusts me and I don't have the gag reflex to do it for long. Generally I don't offer it, or I deflect requests.

16. I've only recently begun using a vibrator, but have bought several sex toys since. I'm keen to try a strap-on with a female partner, both giving and receiving. I'd love to feel like I was really 'fucking' a girl, in a different way.

17. I love having sex in the morning, but always feel self-conscious about having smelly breath.

18. I love to be fucked by men but sometimes want to be the one doing the fucking.

19. I did a nude photo shoot recently for an erotic website. I've also been in touch with another company who might sign me up to do some more detailed shoots. I really enjoyed the first shoot because I took the photos myself, but I'm nervous about doing the shoot with photographers. Although I feel quite comfortable in my own body, I'm not much of a performer and would hate to 'pose' for porn - I want to do more creative, erotic work, like in vintage modelling shoots. It's the type of erotica that I enjoy, where my imagination has to kick in to complete the fantasy, rather than having it all handed to me on a platter.

20. I really want to fuck a pre-op transgender (f-m).

21. I've discovered ben-wa balls. I love to have them in during the day while running errands such as shopping, and being quietly turned on around other people. Sitting down on the tram can make me insanely horny with the right help!

22. The guy I'm sleeping with at the moment talks dirty to me, but it's so subtle and sincere, I have never found anything like that so sexy before.

23. Close friends have always seen me as being a very sexual person, but long periods of celibacy mean that sometimes I don't think about sex for months. It seems to be a cycle which has developed, where after about 3 months of not even thinking about sex, I'll have a dream which suddenly triggers several weeks of highly sexual thoughts, behaviours and activities. Then I might drift back into a non-sexual period again.

24. Ever since I was about sixteen, I've had a strong drive to have children. I have just had intense feelings of needing to procreate, experience a child growing within me, give birth and breastfeed. At times I have been tempted to fall pregnant, to go for it, but then something happens and I find a way to switch off the impulse. I think my maternal instincts are quite closely linked with my sexuality.

25. I love pain, but bruise easily. Sometimes I can have marks from sex on my body for a couple of weeks.

1. I have masturbated to orgasm in several novel locations, including my desk at work, a doctor’s examination table, and my seat on an airplane.

2. When I was 8, I had a spotty understanding of sex. I thought sex meant lying down with a friend and holding/caressing/tickling them. It didn’t occur to me that the gender of the friend was meaningful. Using this definition, I asked my friend Marie to “have sex with me” and she said yes.

3. I’m a 26 year old woman. The oldest person I’ve gone on a date with was 60ish. We never became sexual, but not for lack of interest on my part.

4. I love giving head and am very proud of the many compliments I've received. I don't think I'm so great in the performance sense (like not having a gag reflex). I'm just honestly enthusiastic about it and receptive to my partner's signals. I hope to become just as good at cunnilingus before long.

5. Smart is damn sexy. The only time when being smart can be a problem is when a person gets totally wrapped up in their intellect and can’t connect with their sensual, emotional center.

6. I’ve never had an orgasm from PIV sex unless I was stimulating my clit at the same time, but I do have a special place in my heart for the orgasms I’ve had that way. Having my vagina filled with my lover’s cock seems to “expand” my climax.

7. I rarely come from cunnilingus but I still love it! Especially when being fingered at the same time.

8. I’m totally not a size queen. If anything, a more modestly sized cock is a more pleasurable fit for me. And if a given hetero couple is mismatched, there’s room to negotiate (I imagine this is true for gay men too).

9. I once encountered this "Touch the Art" booth. There were three holes, roughly at shoulder, chest, and hip height. You were instructed to reach into these dark holes and feel the art. When you did so, you found a person, usually in some state of undress. I wanted to be the "art" right away. Having those disembodied hands run over my body, playing with my clit through my panties…it was one of the hottest experiences of my life.

10. I can imagine scenarios where I would have sex for money but I haven’t pursued it.

11. I first tried masturbating when I was 12 or so but couldn’t figure it out. I was focusing on my vagina. A couple years later I found my clit and had my first orgasm. I remember thinking “WHOA. What the hell was THAT?!”

12. I’ve had a few opportunities to finger a lover in the ass or perform rimming. I’d like to do more of that. I’m also really interested in trying strap-on sex, with women and men, active and receptive. Oh, except I’m not interested in being receptive anally.

13. I am at my wettest and most aroused following a few hours involving cuddling leading to making out leading to fondling, especially with someone new.

14. Speaking of that, I find that the connection between my wetness and arousal level to be inconsistent. I think it takes a while for my natural lube production to catch up with the rest of me. So I can definitely be aroused and not all that wet.

15. I have a tattoo on my neck. Half the reason I got it is because it makes kissing my neck damn near irresistible and that’s how I like it.

16. I’ve had a threesome and would be up for trying it again. My first impression is that I would rather not be the center of attention next time. I found it less erotic trying to divide my attention between two lovers.

17. I would really like to learn how to squirt.

18. I have never faked an orgasm and can’t imagine why I would.

19. I once made a Beautiful Agony-influenced video (that is, a video of me masturbating but only showing my face and chest) for my lover’s birthday.

20. Ideally, I’d have sex ~4 times per week. I’m not getting my appetite met right now.

21. I enjoy seeing my reflection in a mirror while I’m having sex.

22. I like being handled roughly in bed but do not enjoy the psychological aspects of domination.

23. A few times, my lover has slid their hand up my skirt and fondled me while I was driving. I loved it.

24. My ribs are more of an erogenous zone than my breasts.

25. Sex with me is often interrupted by conversation and laughter.

I jerked off and came THREE TIMES yesterday. No wonder I crashed and took a nap around 7:30p. Only one of those loads was with someone else. Actually, the 3rd load didn't come until AFTER the nap. I woke up horned and checked out BBRT for a bit. Somewhere between surfing that site, Adam4adam and maybe Xtube, I just had to blow again. Beyond that, I'm starting to get an unintentional collection from my hookups. I snapped a quick pic for you to view above. So far from the past week, one guy left a cock ring and another a bottle of poppers. The banana-flavored condom, believe it or not is mine. When I use them, this is my favorite. It's the only plastic that tastes good in my mouth when a dude insists on getting blown with a rubber. See? I'm flexible. I don't always play raw. That would just be too limiting for me. Also went to NYC Monday for an audition and spent about 30 minutes at my favorite video booth. Wasn't a total waste: sucked one guy. But come on. ONE guy? That's not great. Still he shot his load in my mouth. He didn't waste any time: was in and out. I still have the same complaint with these places: People forget why we're there. If you're turned on by someone, get naked, pull your dick out, DO SOMETHING. I see dudes who clearly want to play, but they'll watch you forever and never engage. Look. We're all here for the same thing. So let's stroke, suck and fuck away. I don't even mind being watched if the other guy at least pulls out his cock. That at least gives me something to see. Oh yeah, I did let this one Latin guy suck me. He nutted (I didn't). I admit that I wasn't feeling him at first because I couldn't fucking see him. From where I was standing in the short hallway, I wasn't sure but I thought I saw a shadow pass in the opening of the slightly closed door to my left. But the dimness being what it was, I wasn't certain if it was my reflection casting a shadow from some as yet undetermined light source or what. Then I realized I was not moving and the shadow was. I peeked in and this sexy fucking slim dude was standing in there buck naked. He'd been there the whole time I was there. At this point, that had been 18 minutes or so. I could've been hooking up with him! He looked a bit more fem than usually attracts me, but the voice had me, that and the boldness.

When I peeked in, he guided my hand to his rock hard penis. It was a solid 6 and stuck out at a 90 degree angle. I gave it a gentle squeeze. He looked at my crotch and said in a somewhat thuggish way, "let me suck it." Okay. Sometimes I do what I'm told. I immediately went into the next booth and stuck my dick through the opening. He was an EXCEPTIONAL sucker. OMFG. Sometimes if I'm only getting sucked, I don't maintain erection. This was not the case. Never got the chance to suck him. After I fucked his mouth and throat for a while (less than 10 minutes), he said, "I came." Well at least somebody did. Afterwards, I headed to the Bronx to reconnect with a Latin fuck buddy of mine. He's a very cute, short (5'6" ish), freckle-faced
city-elected official who is even less controlled about his shoe shopping than I am. When I finally got to his place after 9p, we caught up on recent happenings over a cocktail, then headed for bed. He's got a bubble ass and a VERY thick uncut 9 incher. He fucked a load into me the last time I was there nearly a year ago. This time, he wanted the dick. However, it'd been so long since he'd last been fucked, it wasn't very enjoyable for him. Consequently, he just wanted me to hurry and cum. Even though I wasn't ready to bust, he was begging me for my nutt. So I made myself cum, but apparently not quickly enough. Right at the moment I was pumping into him with his legs around my waist, he shot up and off my dick. I blew half in and half out of him. Unfortunately, there was a little blood for him. Poor guy. My thought: Why the hell did you beg for the dick if you couldn't take it? lol. I don't like hurting guys during sex any more than I like being hurt. IF IT WON'T FIT (even after much lube, patience, prayer and supplication), JUST QUIT. It's not that serious. There are plenty of other very fun, very hot things to do, like sucking on that super thick dick of his (par example *hehe*).

This guy is hot. I actually bought his Bedtime Jerk Off vid.

Hot Latinos Suck and Fuck

This guy's load is THICK and copious. Do you shoot like this? Check out his Jumping Around video, too. Funny..and hot.

More Latin Action. Que gruesa.

Is this dick for real? What? No bareback? C'mon! :O)

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Press Statement from
British National Party Candidates,
Bolton Metropolitan Council & general Elections 2010,

Subject,

Cross party Pledge,

We in the British National Party have no links what so ever with the English Defence League, and do not condone their tactics of mass rallies but we feel that in a Democratic country, all British patriotic groups have a right to peacefully voice their concerns at the devaluing of the British Way of life, culture and heritage, with out the fear of violence and intimidation by the Unite Against Fascism group!

So would all the parliamentary and local Bolton Borough Candidates in the forthcoming elections for the Bolton Metropolitan area, agree with the Assistant Chief Constable Garry Shewan, from Greater Manchester Police (GMP), who accused UAF (Unite against Fascism) supporters and of deliberately inciting violence and attacking officers. At the EDL rally in March, And is quoted as saying. (The Independent 22/03/10)
"We have seen groups of people, predominantly associated with the UAF, engaging in violent confrontation," he said. "It is clear to me that a large number have attended with the sole intention of committing disorder and their actions have been wholly unacceptable. They acted with, at times, extreme violence and their actions led to injuries to police officers, protesters and members of the public.
"The police are not and should not be the target of such violence and anger, and this protest and the actions of some of the protesters is roundly condemned by GMP and by Bolton Council."
Although it states it that Bolton council condemns the violent tactics of the Left wing UAF, We feel it would be for the benefit of the electorate of The Bolton Metropolitan area to know that along with all the British National Party Candidates in the forthcoming Bolton elections, That all the other parties candidates Strongly condemn the violent tactics and actions of the UAF and their affiliated groups. And that the right of free speech and assembly for all to protest should not be subject to violent intimidation and violence no matter how strongly the opposition disagree with their opponents views.
End Statement,

First off I have updated my book tour page again. Some of the specific locations for European gigs that have lacked them are now filled in, particularly in France.

I have also added info about the annual Dogen Sangha Zen retreat in Shizuoka. Since my new book is coming out in September, the organizers have moved the retreat to July. In past years people from overseas have been attending the retreats in Shizuoka. You're always welcome to attend. It's a good retreat. But contact the folks in Dogen Sangha Tokyo about it, not me. The contact info's on their website.

Also, John Graves, who is now the president of Dogen Sangha Los Angeles, made this neat Sit Down and Shut Up/Shobogenzo Index. Check it out. He found all the references to specific parts of Shobogenzo in the book Sit Down And Shut Up and cross-referenced them so you could look 'em up if you wanted to. Why didn't I do this myself? Because I am lazy, that's why! But John did it and it is full of awesome. I've added it to the links section on the left as well.

I was chatting today via Skype to a friend of mine who is 21 years old. I seem to have a lot of friends considerably younger than me these days. But, then again, I never saw Nishijima interact with anyone less than twenty years his junior. Most people he hung out with were closer to forty years younger than him. Maybe it goes with the territory.

Anyway she's got a whole lot of choices to make in life, as you do when you're 21. And as you do when you're 46 too. So I wrote her this:

"You have to decide what you love the most, I think. And go for that. And don't believe people who say you can't do it. I semi-believed those people and it really held me back. It turns out they were wrong. They're still telling me I can't do it even while I am actually actively doing it! This is kind of comical."

It's funny the things you say in response to people. I teach myself a lot that way, which is why I like doing Q&A sessions and interviews. But it's really true. There seem to always be naysayers who delight in cutting you down and trying to make you feel like you're not capable. It's important to know how to tell those people to go fuck themselves. Sometimes you have to say it politely. Sometimes you have to say it only to yourself. But it's important to be able to say it.

Chuck Schodowski was a popular horror movie host in Cleveland, half of the teams Hoolihan and Big Chuck and later Big Chuck and Little John. He inherited his position from the great Ernie"Ghoulardi" Anderson (director Paul Thomas Anderson's dad) who preceded him. Chuck took a lot of shit when he started because his style was very different from Ghoulardi's.

In his book, Chuck talks about a letter he got from Ernie Anderson when this was going on. If the book wasn't in storage I'd quote it directly instead of from my poor memory. But Ernie Anderson said something like, "If the people who are telling you you're doing it wrong could do it themselves, they'd be doing it themselves. Guts it, baby, guts it!"

It's good advice. We all have a role to play and there are always those around you who'll stupidly envy you and think they could do whatever it is you do better, if only. I used to hear this kind of shit from lots of folks when I worked at Tsuburaya Productions, guys who knew that if they just got out of mom's basement they'd do so much better marketing Ultraman than I was doing. Now I hear it from people who'd be so much better Buddhist writers if only someone would give them a book deal. But there's a reason you're in the position you are and those guys are not. So they can all suck it.

As for the wide world of choices... it never ends. When I was 21 I woulda figured that by age 46 I'd either have had everything worked out or I'd be dead. As it turns out neither option panned out. These days my best advice to myself is to do what I love the most, to the best of my ability to do so. Sometimes your own karma places you into a position where it seems like you have no options. But I've stopped believing that. There's always some way to make whatever situation you find yourself in into a place you want to be. I've even managed to do this in endless traffic jams on the Los Angeles freeway system, or in a hospital bed with kidney stones so bad I thought the pain alone might kill me.

I made a lot of mistakes because I half-believed those who said I couldn't ever accomplish the things I truly wanted to do. I majored in history in college not because I liked it that much, but because I believed those who told me I'd never be able to land a career in the film business. Much less in the film business in Japan making giant monster movies. That I'd have far better of a chance getting a job teaching history in high school. All those people can suck it.

And still there they are! Look in the comments section of this very blog and you'll still find people telling me I can't do what I am already doing. They're clever enough not to put it in those words. But that's the message. They can suck it too.

When they tell you the same thing, just remember they can suck yours as well.

Guts it, baby.

1. I have an amazing mother; I think I get my positive attitude about sex from her. She explained sex to me as a natural, biological process and has always been supportive of me expressing my sexuality safely.

2. When I told her me and my boyfriend were doing more then kissing she just wanted to know if I needed condoms. Having her nonchalant approval really boosted my confidence and made me feel empowered. I fully realized that I am in control of my own sexuality and can do whatever is best for me.

3. I'm absolutely terrified about getting pregnant, probably because I was the result of an unplanned pregnancy. I'm lucky because my boyfriend is understanding of this and careful. If/when I have sex I am totally going on the pill. (Thank you feminist movement for all the wonderful options I have.)

4. Paradoxically, I'm very open to sex but very picky about who I date and fool around with. I think that it makes sense to have sex for a variety of reasons and after knowing your partner for a variety of times. I also have no moral hang ups about experiencing pleasure. At the same time I need to be completely and absolutely comfortable with my partner and with the situation.

5. For this reason I've only done anything with three guys. #1 I dated briefly. We were really incompatible, but I learned a lot about what I didn't want. A couple years latter we're now good friends. #2 I had a one-night make out/grope session with at a diversity conference. We had the same sense of humor and he liked me for exactly who I was. I had fun and learned a lot about what I do want. #3 is my current boyfriend. We're in love and also totally bros, which I need. He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me.

6. I'm very attracted to both girls and boys. However, I hate the label bisexual. I don't know why either. I mean being bisexual is perfectly legitimate in my mind and I admire many bisexual activists. I just can't deal with the label.

7. Girls I just plain am attracted to. I like the way they look, smell, feel, talk, think. I would love to be physical with the right girl. I've had some very very intense crushes, but they've all turned out to be incompatible with me for one reason or another so nothing has ever happened.

8. Boys I have a much more complicated relationship with. I don't find most guys (even ones commonly thought to be hot) very attractive, though I am often extremely attracted to individual guys. Also I'm much more inhibited when it comes to being romantic or physical with guys because I can't conform to heteronormative relationship dynamics. I need a guy who gives me as much independence as I want, treats me as a complete and total equal, and accepts my more masculine personality traits. This is a lot harder to come by then one might think. Many of my best guy friends are willing to accept me doing exactly what I want and treat me as an equal because I'm a friend, yet with their girlfriends (who they respect very much and treat well) there's a different type of dynamic.

9. I'm also very open to being with someone who is gender-queer, trans, or anyone who doesn't fit perfectly with the gender binary. I believe that sex and gender are very personal and accept however people express themselves. I also find people who don't conform to gender roles very attractive, even if they do it just a little bit and in subtle ways and especially if they are very comfortable with themselves.

10. I hate hate hate having to conform or follow social rules. This means, though, that I'm just as ambivalent towards countercultures (like the gay community) as I am mainstream culture. Countercultures usually have their own rules designed to keep one from being "too normal" that are just as constraining. I'm my own mix of "normal" and "weird."

11. I'm really lucky in that my two best girl friends are very open and supportive when it comes to talking about sex. One is completely inexperienced but is into porn, slash fiction, and thinking about the theory and social implication of sex. We go on feminist rants together and talk about what it means to be sex positive. My other friend has a much more traditional view of sex and relationships then I do, but she is also open and non-judgmental of other ways of being. She got a serious boyfriend about the same time I did so we share all our experiences with dating and being physical.

12. I love masturbating! I see it as a very positive activity. It helps me sleep, makes me happier, and is a way I can be nice to myself. I have a personal mission to make female masturbation as a normal, positive activity visible by being honest about my own activities. In practice, most of this campaign involves making jokes that imply that I masturbate.

13. I love the way my boyfriend treats me. He never treats me like I'm delicate. He never gets overprotective or even protective, which I really like. He doesn't go all chivalrous and lets me carry my own heavy stuff and pay my own way. Before we were going out we used to mock fight and wrestle (in a non sexual way) and we still do that. At the same time he emotionally takes care of me really well. I'm much more excitable and angsty then he is (he is one of the most happy, steady people I know.) He calms me down and cheers me up. He know tons of little ways to make me smile and be kind to me and uses them.

14. I love my body. Sometimes I get body image hell, but usually I can talk myself out of it.

15. Despite this I've always been a little hung up that I have A-cup size boobs. I've always thought "Well I have nice boobs for the size they are." My boyfriend really, really likes my boobs, which has really helped me with this issue. He's pointed out that they're proportional to the rest of my body (I'm 5 foot 1 and 100 pounds) and that shape is just as important as size.

16. I love having my boobs played with, which works out well since my boyfriend likes playing with them. If I'm relaxed I can have an orgasm just trom them being played with.

17. My boyfriend is really affectionate and cuddly, but doesn't PDA too much. I love the feeling of
just being curled up with him. He smells really good and I feel safe and warm and comfortable.

18. Almost everything I've done sexually with my boyfriend we've had a time doing it that didn't work. We jokingly kissed a few months before we started going out (we had a very flirty friendship). The first time he touched my boobs I got really scared and he said he was sorry and stopped. The first time we fingered one another it was too intense and we both flipped out afterwards.

19. This actually hasn't been a problem, though, because we're really good at communicating. He's extremely respectful of my boundaries, and I'm respectful of what his feelings and opinions are. The best thing I think about having a boyfriend who's a friend is getting to talk about sex. We rehash our fun times together, talk about masturbating and porn, discuss what emotionally is going on, and what we like to do or think might feel good.

20. I like the way my boyfriend treats my body. He's really atrracted to me and very interested in sex, and he communicates this in a way that's sweet and friendly instead of possive or threatening. He takes things slowly and is in tune with how I'm feeling. He's respectful but also very playful. He can be a huge tease, often tickles me, and says funny things.

21. I love how reciprocal fooling around with my boyfriend is. We both enjoy when the other is having a good time, and like being the active one when fooling around. I love the way his skin feels and just getting to explore his body.

22. I'm completely okay witht the idea of porn but I've never watched it. The idea of watching people have sex just doesn't appeal to me. I do fantasize a lot, however. I love seeing sexy things in my mind; I just also like being able to control exactly what is happening. Also, the knowledge that my boyfriend watches porn and can be honest with me about it really turns me on.

23. I love kissing a variety of ways. Long, short, soft, hard, tongue, no tongue, lots of tongue, silly, romantic, can all be satisfying and exciting in the right context.

24. I'm almost completely silent when I masturbate but am really noisy when I fool around. I'm not particularly loud I just make lots of different types of noises and once I get really turned on I keep making noises pretty steadily.

25. I like happy, smiley, sweet sexy things. I love the feeling of smiling while fooling around and looking at my boyfriend and seeing the same look reflected back at me.

Advertorial

YAY ME!! I got myself a new toy to play with and this time it's the HTC HD mini phone!



Got invited to the HTC HD mini event down at Ion, so there I went! I was most pleasantly surprised to find out that they were providing hair and make up for guests for a mini (pun intended) photoshoot!!

Being hiao, I immediately went for the empty hair styling hot seat!


Took a few camwhoring shots and IT WAS AWESOME!!

At 5 mega pixels (auto focus! Widescreen Photo Capture!) all the photos taken turned out so nice! Stupid Blackberry's camera is just bloody 3.2mp. -_-


All my hair straightened! And then the hair stylist took quite some time to transform my boring tresses into a elaborate curls!



(Don't ask me what's the pink rectangle in the photo for the life of me I can't figure it out!! I think my camera went siao. Or maybe the phone can chu power. Hadoken!)

They printed out the photos for us, magazine-styled, and here is mine!



They also have many other HTC phones around to let the invited guests play with, including the mini!

On the outside, the HTC looks so boring being all black, but the inside will completely surprise you!!




How cute and happy-looking!! LOL

Now for a little more about the product...

The HTC HD mini is a fully touchscreen phone and I don't usually like touchscreen phones but it was intuitive and surprisingly enough it was a breeze typing on it!

The interface is great with a fully customizable home page where you can place your most commonly used applications.

Lightweight and tiny, but has everything you need in a smartphone! Besides all the usual stuff (like 3G, wifi, bluetooth etc), I also like it that the multimedia player includes an FM radio!! Now I don't have to have a radio to listen to Rozz's show!

Another thing that pleasantly surprised me was the Animated Weather Wallpaper.

Amazingly enough the phone detects the weather today and animates your phone accordingly! Damn chio lah!! It was cloudy so I had clouds float around the screen, telling me that it's 27 degrees! (Night time as I am writing this)

BEST OF ALL?




I found it fantastic that when I got the phone out of the box, all the most commonly used smartphone apps were already installed for me by some considerate geek from the HTC headquarters.

All you need is your sim card and you can tweet, fb, msn with friends etc all without waiting! Watch Youtube videos! And never get lost again with Google Maps!

I didn't have to muck around with finding the apps and installing them and rebooting my phone etc!

But if you DO want more apps, they are easy to find using Windows Marketplace for Mobile. Get as many as you want!




Yes I did the blinging myself!!




Just prove you have been paying attention to my blog entry by telling me

1) five awesome features I mentioned about the HTC HD mini, and

2) include WHY YOU NEED A SMARTPHONE in not more than 200 words

Most Creative entry wins!

Send your entry to htchdmini@nuffnang.com by 5th May 2010 and you might get this (almost) brand new HTC HD mini phone!

1. I just had a one night stand a few days ago. I went out with this guy for drinks, only wanting to be friends. He was short, older, and just OK. At the end of the night we were walking in a park and he suddenly started touching my tits and making out with me. I slept with him to bolster my ego because the day before I had been brutally rejected by a guy I really liked. I was so hurt. So I went back to short guy’s apartment. He attacked my tits. He put my hand on his cock, which was BIG. He fingered me for a long time. He was really really good but I didn’t come. Then I got on top of him, he kept saying “Now fuck me, fuck me.” Then he got on top and fucked me so hard I bled when I was in the bathroom later. Top, bottom, top, bottom, sucking his cock, then he came. I didn’t. It wasn’t amazing, but it was OK. It was sweet. We laughed and talked. No pressure, nothing bad about it. We started talking about fantasies. When I told him I had a “Daddy” fantasy, he got so excited and hard and worked up he practically mauled me. He got behind me, he was so turned on, and said “Get on all fours, now!” He fucked me from behind, I was moaning and moaning into the pillow, and he came again. I didn’t. When I left I just laughed and he laughed. We knew we’d never see each other again. The next day I had bruises and bite marks on my tits, I was soooo sore, and my thighs ached.

2. I swear I have never been with a guy who had less than an 8 inch cock. Total coincidence. I always end up with guys with big dicks.

3. The guy who rejected me was married, because I have a total thing for married men. I wanted an affair with him so bad. When I see men on the train I will get wet and hot and horny if I see they have a wedding ring. I’ve had one other affair with a married guy and it was hot. We used to fantasize about his wife walking in and catching us and we just keep going and we both come in front of him, him while looking in her eyes.

4. I think this is twisted and I need to go to therapy for it.

5. One thing I’ve learned about sex is that men love—LOVE!—to hear women’s fantasies. It turns them on sooo much. I think even if you’re not super-attractive, having a great hot sexy wild fantasy life counts for a LOT. A lot of people, women and men, are total boring blobs!

6. I think sex is just as important, if not more so, than love. I don’t know how many miserable marriages I’ve seen where they still love each other, but they have no passion for each other. If I ever get married, it won’t be for love! I’ll get married only if it’s the hottest, horniest, sexiest thing me and my partner can think to do!

7. I love men. Love, love, love, love, love them. I love their armpits. I love their asses. I love how they smell. I love their hands. I love horny horny horny horndogs. I love the way some men stand with their hips out, cock front and center. I love men who love women! Men’s craving and desire for women turns me on. I love a man who needs a woman bad. The only kind of man I don’t really like is the intellectual type. The closer you are to a caveman, the better.

8. It is VERY hard for me to come with a partner, and it takes forever.

9. To me there are two distinct types of orgasm: the clitoral and the vaginal. I only had the clit kind for years and years and years. Then I kept trying with a dildo to have the other kind. Hello! When I finally did, it was a revelation! Whoah! It’s much harder, takes work, but Jesus….

10. To me the deep, vaginal orgasm you can only get from a cock pounding you is very mental. It takes a certain amount of thought and emotional opening up to get there. At least for me. It’s so female. It makes me feel so womanly, like obscenely womanly. Like a craven female with no need or desire other than this cock inside her. You have to really open up and let go and accept this man’s domination over your body for a moment. I know many women who have never had this kind and don’t have a clue what I’m talking about.

11. I have lots of domination fantasies. Nothing extreme or painful or weird. Just being ordered around, told what to do, giving up control completely. I want to be told when to come and when not to come.

12. I met a man online who did this for me once. He was a “Master” and I absolutely refused to meet him, but we did this thing online and on the phone. He told me when to come. He forbade me to masturbate for a week. By the end I was a wreck, but it turned me on SO MUCH to do this for him!

13. I once had sex on top of a tombstone in a graveyard at night.

14. I have big, nice boobs that men love, but they do absolutely nothing for me. WTF? I don’t dislike having them played with, but I know some women who can come just from that. They’re pretty much wasted on me.

15. I have a fantasy of me being seduced by a priest, and then being made the fuck slave/cum slut of three priests where I have to do anything they want and they use me in any way they want.

16. I think being fit, athletic, and healthy with a great body is the sexiest thing in the world. People who have to sweat and work for it, not people just blessed with amazing genes.

17. I have been fat and obese in the past. I think being fat is a way to avoid sex. And that it also means you have a totally wicked, perverted, wild craving for tons of sex that you are not living out. Who, her? Why, no one would think she wants to be brutally fucked in the ass! I think former fatties are totally wild in the sack.

18. I love anal--in the right circumstances only. When you don’t feel like it, it just hurts. But every once in a while, I don’t want regular sex. I actually feel a need to have a cock in my ass. Nothing makes me wetter, nothing. I’ve never come from it, but I love it.

19. The married guy I wanted the affair with had a fantasy of fucking a woman who was wearing his wife’s wedding veil.

20. My favorite place to have sex is outside. I love being naked outdoors! I feel like Adam and Eve.

21. I have a fantasy of having one man fuck me on a stage while a whole auditorium full of horny men watch. Especially watch me cum.

22. You’d be surprised at how many women who’ve been married their whole lives have never had an orgasm or enjoyed sex.

23. Men love their own cum. I don’t know how many guys I’ve met have a fantasy of cumming all over a women--on her face, her tits, ass, everywhere. Then fucking her with their cum still all over her.

24. I’m a lot older than a lot of girls on this site, and I want to say to all of them: don’t feel bad about anything. Sex gets better for women as you get older and it’s a much slower process than just jumping in the sack and fucking. Women are different than men!

25. Talking hardcore about sex is fun, but it’s not the be-all and end-all. In a way I feel like an impostor. All of this is true, but I’m a lot shyer and quieter in person. This is kind of my alter ego.

I told the story of this in Hardcore Zen. Now you can see the video of me filming my bit in Ultraman Tiga episode 51 in 1997. I originally taped this on a VHS camcorder (remember those?). I transferred it to DVD later. Then I used the clip as a way to test out a software program that rips video from DVDs. Which is why it's watermarked. Now I don't know where the DVD is. I'm sure it's still somewhere in all my stuff, packed away.

Well, today I officially turned in the final edits of both Sin Sex And Zen and Fundamental Wisdom of the Middle Way: Nagarjuna's Mulamadhyamakakarika. Editing a book is a multi-part procedure. I turned in my "final" versions of both books months ago. Then they came back to me with editor's comments. Then I fixed it again. They they come back to me with a second round of fixing. And now I've sent those back as well. I'll get one more look-see at the books before they go to the printers. But at that point I'm only allowed to make the most minor corrections. This is because by then the typesetting is being done and if I make anything but the very most minor corrections it throws the page numbering off and all kinds of hell breaks loose.

So at this point they are both pretty well done. If you click on those Amazon links I provided you'll see place-holder covers that will not bear much resemblance to the real covers. At least that goes for Sin Sex And Zen whose cover is being drawn even as you read this by the magnificent Mr. Alex Wald. It'll be a whole lot better than what they sent to Amazon to hang out there till Alex finishes. I'm not sure if Fundamental Wisdom of the Middle Way will be changed or not.

Fundamental Wisdom will be released first, in August, followed by Sin Sex And Zen in September.

For now I'm just hanging out at an undisclosed underground facility in the back hills of North Carolina until I jet off to Europe on May 2nd. This just in, it looks like I will also be be doing a gig or two in Israel this summer. That's pretty exciting.

As the books get more popular, my life gets continuously weirder. I'm still not getting rich. But I am getting noticed. I think I mentioned here how two different people spotted me in random locations in Austin a couple months back. That happened to me once in Saint Paul -- at a party of all things -- and once in Los Angeles. It's not, by any means, a regular event. But it is a very odd thing when strangers stop you on the street and know your name as well as significant details of your personal life.

I sort of hate it.

I understand this goes along with the territory. I am in complete agreement with Dogen's view that one shouldn't pursue fame and profit. But when Hardcore Zen was about to be issued I had a long talk with Nishijima Roshi about it. I knew that putting a book out would lead to a certain degree of fame (though the profit, as I said, has been very slow in coming, which is why I'm couch surfing these days). He said that this was all right. In his view it was a completely different matter. I wasn't writing books in order to become famous. I wrote because that's what I like to do. And fame sometimes follows if people like what you do. The same thing, he said, happened to Dogen. He got famous even though he did not pursue fame.

To a certain degree, in order to make a living at any kind of artistic endeavor, you need to be famous. It's part of the job. I find it alternately fascinating, bizarre and scary. I like doing interviews. I like getting to travel around and be a performing circus monkey for people. I'm fascinated by the mechanics of the industry.

It's bizarre, though, how people sometimes interact with me these days. I don't get it when they get all excited just to talk to me. I can't understand it. I mean, intellectually I can. I'll admit to nearly peeing myself when I got to actually hang out with Gene Simmons and Alex Cox. But to have someone react that way to me is just weird. I don't know how to respond. Which is why, if you act that way around me I tend to look funny at you.

Scary is encountering people who don't understand that just because they know the parts of my life I've chosen to reveal in books that they are not actually my buddy. This doesn't happen much, but it has happened a couple times. I always try to duck out as quickly as I can when I meet someone like that.

I was in a threeway Skype chat the other day with two friends. One had seen me at talks a few times, while the other had only seen it once. So I got to listen as they compared notes about how weird it was to watch total strangers react so strongly to the presence of someone (me) that they just knew as their friend.

From here on in I'm only gonna get more of this stuff, not less. The only way to stop the snowball I started rolling would be to quit writing and go live as a recluse. But I have no plans for that. I'm just gonna keep on doing this stuff for a while. So suck it.

Copyright Shilo McCabe 2010

Copyright Shilo McCabe 2010