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That's not saying a lot. I know. It's February. He wasn't quite the hottest client ever, but goddamn. He's absolutely in the running. This dude must've been about 25-27 years old, black, super tatted up (chest, neck, arms), huge biceps, muscular build and a big fucking dick. At one point, when he finally took his boxers off (he never did take his socks off; it's okay: I forgave him *big grin*), I said, "dude you've got a big fucking dick." "Really?" Really? Uh, yeah. It never ceases to amaze me how many of us never get a true sense of what we look like. He said he had a girlfriend and rarely got the chance to get away, which accounted for the rush he was in. He actually hit me up from my Rentboy ad. He gladly paid my hourly rate for about 20 minutes. I am SO glad he licked my dick first because I REALLY wanted to suck him. However, given that he had a few stipulations about this and that, I wasn't going to push it at all. Come to think of it, I never do anyway. I mean, the dick or ass gets shoved in my face or it doesn't. A genius is not required for figuring out what I'm supposed to do with either. He wasn't ready for the no-hands, all-lips-and-tongue, slurp-tastic swab-down I gave his bone. His dick was on edge from the moment I put it on my tongue. I quote: "oh fuck." He kept grabbing it and trying to stroke it, but he wasn't aware that at that point...he belonged to me! Yeah, bitch. I fucking own you for the next 5 minutes. hehe.

Dick for me is like what Calvin Klein underwear used to be: Nothing comes between me and it. Well, maybe food, but only if it's good food, you know? And maybe, like, a Beyonce video. Yeah, definitely a Beyonce video. Oooh and maple nut goodies. I fucking go apeshit over...(ahem). Right. So. The dick. We 69'd for a bit until he finally just wanted to bust. He kneeled next to my prostrate body and told me he wanted to see me shoot with him. I obliged. When I shot he blasted a mean load across my chest. Afterwards, I realized he wasn't so much nervous as he was just pressed for time. Damn, I want to see him again. The scent of his balls is still on my face: great, heady mix of clean yet musky masculinity. This encounter was after sucking and swallowing 2 dudes about an hour or so beforehand. One of which texted me about 60 minutes after leaving to ask if he could come right back over. I'm telling you. I'm that good. His dick was still hard and he needed more oral. lol.

On a nonsexual note, the music is picking up. The jazz band is gigging in NYC towards the end of next month. I just got accepted into a mostly 1970s soul cover band and I've been still working with a guy in Braintree on his originals. Add to that one more original band who's interested in having me front for it. I should know more about that in the coming week. Now add to that the fact that I just had a conversation with an A&R executive who worked on Christina Aguilera's first and upcoming CD's. I've already started crying over my Grammy acceptance speech. (I'm SO not even kidding. I had to blow my nose, wipe my eyes and everything). Oh and when I get all those Grammys? You can totally blackmail me over this blog. Seriously. If you need someone to fuck, but you don't want anybody else finding out about it, I'll do it. And I'll absolutely pretend not to enjoy it just so you can feel like you're really in control and shit. Okay? Good. Air kisses. Buh-bye. I need a nap.

The dude in the pic above was some huge guy in the library the other week. He reminded me of a jungle gym. I always liked riding those as a child >:O) That's my evil face right there.

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Today is the day I start making my epic journey via PT Cruiser across the United States. Most of my stuff has already been sent ahead. I still have to get together the junk that remains in the house and figure out how to shove it all in the car. Suffice it to say, I really, seriously do not have the time today to write a blog post and really, serously should be doing a whole butt-load of other far more pressing things.

BUT there were 279 comments last time I looked under a posting about a couple clips from a movie shot in Akron in the early 80s. Those of you looking at this on Facebook can go to http://hardcorezen.blogspot.com if you want to see what I'm referring to. Personally, I think it's a big waste of time, so I don't recommend bothering with it.

But in the midst of all this, Gniz, a frequent and often contentious contributor to the comments section, asked the following question:

"People like watching the drama, the soap operas (including me, I'm sorry to admit). I would be curious about your take on why we are SO drawn to these things....I've written about it from my perspective, but it might make a good blog post sometime when you get a free minute!"

This is, of course, the real key question. The specifics of the various arguments going on in the comments section are incredibly trivial. I'm not even sure precisely what is under dispute. But, then again, I have not had the time or the inclination to read the comments in detail. I made a single observation somewhere around comment 210 or so that the whole thing was utterly inappropriate for this blog, though it would be very appropriate on a different internet forum where such things are apparently not permissible to discuss. That is all I have to say about the specifics of the arguments.

But gossip itself is very interesting. If I had time I'd go look this up. But I don't, so I won't. But there is a piece of writing by Dogen that I was introduced to very early on in my practice that gives a list of rules for monks. I was fascinated by the fact that one of the rules was not to gossip. This was right up there with don't kill and don't steal and all that -- if memory serves (and it probably does not). (I may even have included this in Sit Down And Shut Up, I can't remember)

I just finished this very interesting book called The Red Queen, all about the evolution of human sexuality. Or, more specifically, how sexuality has influenced our evolution. Among other things, the author postulates that the human brain may have developed in part as a very efficient gossip processing machine. Meaning, there are areas of the brain that may be specifically geared towards receiving and creating gossip.

The reason for this is that we are highly social animals. Our interaction with our society is key to our survival. Those among our ancestors who were among the biggest gossip-mongers left more descendants and we have inherited this. That's why we love all those magazines and TV shows about celebrity scandals, and also why we are such avid consumers of fiction. Fiction satisfies our need for gossip to a great degree (though, obviously not completely).

From a Buddhist standpoint, following various soap operas and what not that involve other people is a terrific way to ignore what's going on within ourselves. We ignore the crucial matter of examining our own shit by examining and commenting upon other people's shit. In terms of practice, this is a shameful waste of precious time and energy, of which we do not have infinite amounts to waste (sorry, bad grammar, writing fast).

Ultimately what all of this gossip is, is just our brains running through their various programs. That's what they're built to do, so it can't really be helped all that much. But we don't need to play with it and wallow in it. To do so is a bit like scratching a wound instead of leaving it alone to heal as it should. This, I suspect, is why Dogen thought it was so important to avoid.

And that's all I got time for. I suspect the drama in the comments section will not subside for a while. But for the time being I am sticking with my policy of not censoring anything or even screening the comments before they go up. You're free to discuss whatever you like in whatever tone you wish. I'll be on the road for the coming week and unable to even look in on them very often even if I were interested.

1. I lost my virginity at age 17 within a week of leaving home and going to university. I was drunk and I really didn’t care about him much. We had tried a few days before when we were sober, but it hurt too much. When it finally happened, I bled a lot and I was quite embarrassed. I wouldn’t change anything about my first time, though.

2. I first gave head about a month before I left for university. I was drunk and I brought a childhood friend home from a party when my parents were gone for the weekend. I found it very empowering, but I wouldn’t let him touch me as I hadn’t shaved and had never had anyone touch me down there before.

3. 2 and I never talked about our experience after that. It was never awkward between us, and it never got brought up. At age 19 while out dancing and drinking, he drunkenly asked if we could re-create it. I declined.

4.The first time I actually really masturbated (on purpose, knowing what I was doing) was in the 8th grade. I was reading Harry Potter fanfiction online. Being a straight girl, I was frightened that the "slash" Harry/Draco gay fanfiction turned me on so much.

5. In high school and for a year of university, I only masturbated to gay Harry Potter fanfiction. I found out that it was written predominately by straight women, and that made me feel better about it.

6. My most intense sexual experience happened at age 18, with a boy I’d been sort-of dating all throughout the summer. I was moving away a couple days after, and this would be the last time we’d see each other for.... maybe forever. It was during the summer 2008 Olympics. I was sick with strep throat, but we had sex anyway. We had sex in my basement while my parents hung out upstairs. I came while Michael Phelps won his last gold medal.

7. #6 is the first/only guy I have ever loved up until this point. I still love him. I’m 20 years old.

8. That same guy and I texted naughty things to each other for an entire year while we lived in separate provinces. Almost exactly one year to the day that I had last seen him, I was finally able to visit him for a weekend. It made me so hot when he told me to "go slow, because it’s been a while." It made me happy that he hadn’t had much sex since being with me.

9. I’m dating someone else right now. We’ve been dating for a month and haven’t had sex. I don’t feel like he’s sexually attracted to me, and I’m probably going to break up with him very soon. Mostly, because I can’t get #6 out of my head.

10. I think about #6 when I masturbate. I think about our "olympic" experience. He has told me in the past that it’s what he thinks about in his private time too.

11. I’m straight, but I watch videos of other girls masturbating when I want to get off. I think it’s because I want to pick up some tricks, and I want to know if I look “normal” when I cum.

12. I used to shave myself bare, but I think it looks unnatural. Now, I keep myself neatly trimmed. I’m a real woman, I shouldn’t have to look like an underage child.

13. I have sent nude pictures of myself to random guys over the internet. I never use my real name or face. It makes me feel good, getting complimented by strangers.

14. In my current relationship, I have engaged other guys in cybersex. I’ve discovered a secret talent for talking dirty. I haven’t told my current partner (mostly because I’m going to break up with him soon) but I also don’t consider it cheating.

15. I’ve been in a threesome, with two guys. I like it best that way, because all of the attention was on me.

16. I love giving head. I’ve been told that I suck cock like I was born to do it.

17. I had a crush on a close male friend all through high school. One night while we were watching a movie, he kissed me. I ended up giving him head, and he told me that I was better than his ex-girlfriend. I soon realized that praise gets me hot. He also gave me some constructive criticism, which I’ve cherished.

18. I went on a few dates with a guy who was 2 years older than me when I was 17. He had been the most sought after guy in school so I was quite flattered. He was extremely cocky and would send me pics of his naked body. I wish I’d kept them, so my friends and I could have had a laugh. At the time, I was too weirded out to tell anyone about them and I deleted them right away.

19. The same guy from #19 wanted to take pictures of us making out and in various states of undress. I refused even though I kind of wanted to. I always wondered what he’d do with them, and if he’d show them to our friends.

20. I’ve never had a true one-night stand. I don’t really do drunken hookups (besides my one experiment with #2). I’ve gotten intimate with 3 guys whilst inebriated, and I’ve ended up dating all of them (including the guy I didn’t care about, who I lost my virginity to and #6, who started off as a random that I met at a party and hooked up with by my friend’s garage). I guess I’m lucky that they’ve all called.

21. I’ve videotaped myself masturbating, but it was very clinical. It was mostly just to examine myself and less about showing it to anyone, or using it for my own pleasure.

22. I live with three guys. I started having sex with one of them for a month-long period. I started developing feelings for him, which I don’t think he reciprocates. I thought my other roommates were clueless about our hookups, but I found out a couple of weeks ago that they’ve known all along. When we first had sex, it was Halloween and I was wearing a pirate costume. It's the closest I've ever come to roleplay.

23. I heard one of my roommates masturbating in the shower and I wish I’d been more awake at the time so I might have fully been able to use it for fantasy fodder. I love the sound/sight of guys masturbating.

24. A guy that I've been friends with for a while, but haven't really seen in a few years, "anonymously" confessed to having a sex dream about me on an application on facebook. Later, he came clean that it was he who'd left the message (which is how I know it was him). It turned me on beyond belief, and now I'll always think of him a little differently. He has said that it's made him think of me differently too.

25. Guys love my tits. They’re the body part that I’m most confident about and I’d never trade them. I love girl-on-top because it makes the most of them, and it gives myself and my partner the best angle for squeezing them.

1. I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend at fifteen after dating for four months. My dad congratulated me on waiting so long.

2. I received a lap dance from my best friend who was three years older than me and her cousin when I was nine years old. They turned off the lights, sat me down in a bean bag chair, turned on the Backstreet Boys, and started stripping and rubbing themselves against me.

3. I used to lie about the number of people I've slept with to make it a larger number. I now, at nineteen, have reached 8 people and lie to make it smaller.

4. I like to masturbate while driving. It gets me really wet when I know the people in the car next to me can see.

5. I also masturbate while my roommate is sleeping less than six feet away from me on a regular basis. I'm never really sure if she's asleep and I know that's what makes the orgasm so strong.

6. I gave up on guys after sleeping with three of them.

7. Only one person, my current girlfriend, has ever made me orgasm without my help. I'm really good at faking it.

8. I once gave head to a guy in the backseat of his grandmother's car. His mom was driving, his grandmother was in the passenger seat, and his younger sister was right next to me. Nobody noticed.

9. I almost had a threesome with my last boyfriend and a random girl he met off the internet because he thought it would "cure" my gayness and keep me from cheating.

10. I cheated on him.

11. I've cheated on everyone I've ever dated.

12. The first girl I ever loved cheated on me with her coworker last July. We got back together and I cheated on her with both her ex-girlfriend and the girl she cheated on me with.

13. I've had sex in every building on my college campus except the library and the dining hall.

14. I love being bitten. Not just little nibbles; I want hard, teeth-scraping biting that leaves prominent purple bruises for me to marvel at later.

15. I hated having sex in the woods.

16. The best orgasms I've ever had was during phone sex with my first boyfriend. I was able to pretend he was someone else and make myself cum as loudly as I wanted several times in a row.

17. I absolutely hate being quiet unless someone's forcing me to be. I'm a screamer until you put your hand over my mouth and give me something to bite down on.

18. Hearing someone tell me to fuck them gets me wet instantly.

19. From the time I was twelve until recently, I often had cyber sex with older men. No matter how old I really was, I always admitted to being older.

20. I read erotic stories online all the time. I like to read several in a row until my panties are soaked through before masturbating.

21. I need clitoral stimulation to orgasm.

22. I have no desire to be with men, but the porn that I like to watch usually involves a girl being fucked really hard by a man with a huge cock.

23. When I was about eight, I remember my younger next door neighbor telling me on her front porch that when she sees someone who's naked or kissing someone on TV, she immediately has to pee. I told her I felt that too and that rubbing yourself "down there" instead of peeing feels really good.

24. It worries me sometimes how easy it is for me to have purely sexual relationships. It makes me wonder if I'm really capable of loving someone.

25. I realized that I am to my current girlfriend what my last girlfriend was to me, but I hope I don't break her heart the way my ex did mine.

If you're viewing on Facebook it's http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPT4eaFuUEc

I just discovered this piece of awesomeness. It's apparently from a very low budget action movie shot in Akron, Ohio in 1980 and released in '83. This is what Akron looked like when Zero Defex was going strong and I was first discovering Zen. How did I ever make it out alive?

And don't forget part two:




The waterfall-like thingy is right around the corner from where I used to live. I spent a lot of time there. Never saw guys karate fighting in the water, though.

For Facebook people the link is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQmQX79HMnQ

1. The only relationship I ever had lasted two months in middle school. Since then, I haven't gone on a single date.

2. I lost my virginity after a party when I was nineteen. It was painless but far from pleasurable, and he narrated everything as it happened. I didn't find out the guy's last name until several months later, when a mutual friend put two and two together and told me that he was actually in high school. He had also been a virgin. I sometimes pull this out as a funny story at parties, but I skip the part about it being my first time.

3. The second and last time I had sex was three weeks later, with a man I later discovered was ten years my senior. He gave me my most fulfilling orgasm to date. He begged for my phone number and said he couldn't wait to see me again. The next day I looked him up on facebook and discovered he had a girlfriend. He never did call.

4. Starting when I was around eight, my best girlfriend and I played sexual make-believe games. She often wanted to be a pregnant woman whose husband had left her and wanted me to be the doctor who consoled her. These always ended with us scissoring each other (because we thought that was how hetero sex worked) and kissing each other's nipples. This ended when we got to sixth grade and she found boys to kiss, and a few months later we stopped being friends. At seventeen she got pregnant and had a baby girl. Now every day I thank my lucky stars that those sixth grade boys didn't want to kiss me.

5. I discovered masturbation when I was ten or eleven. I had a urinary tract infection and thought I could soothe the pain with water, so I spread my legs under the bath faucet. I continued to do this for years before I figured out what it was.

6. A few years after that, I hid the contents of my mother's underwear drawer in my closet for April Fool's Day. When I picked up her stuff to return to her, I grabbed everything that made sense to me, like panties and stockings, but didn't figure that the personal massager might have come from her drawer so I left it behind with all of my junk. It later became my regular vibrator and I still use it to this day.

7. I am straight, but I love lesbian porn. My dad once walked in on me masturbating with that vibrator to a lesbian porno. We never spoke about it.

8. I am obese and I carry a lot of my excess weight in disproportionately enormous breasts. They are a very frequent topic of conversation among both friends and strangers. They used to be a source of sexual confidence for me, but they have now begun to sag so much that it is obvious when I bear even an inch of cleavage.

9. I occasionally shave my pubic hair because I like the way it feels to be bare. I had a full bush with both of my sexual partners, and both wanted to give me oral.

10. I spent most of high school in love with my best guy friend and frequently fantasized about giving him head, not because I found giving head sexy, but because it seemed more plausible than him actually having sex with me.

11. At a party in high school I drunkenly showed my breasts to a few classmates at their request. After I passed out, I woke up to one of them taking off my bra and playing with my breasts. I pretended I was still asleep because I didn't know what to do.

12. I have never made out with anyone long enough to know whether I really enjoy it, but so far, I don't think I do.

13. I went without masturbation my entire first semester of college. When I got home for winter break, I reveled in my newfound privacy by having an orgasm a day.

14. I have had videochat sex with several strangers. I start with just my bra, then take that off and play with my breasts as I watch the men touch themselves. I then show them my pussy as I get myself off. As soon as I finish, I sign off without warning.

15. I had a flirtatious relationship with a gorgeous guy in my high school who was largely unpopular because he danced ballet. When he told me he had never gotten a blowjob, I joked that I would give him one to "break him in." We made a half-serious plan to do it in the literary magazine office after a final exam when no one would be around. I went there after the test to get my coat and to see if he would show up. He did, but only after another friend saw me inside and came in to complain about the test. He walked a few laps around the hallway and then gave up and left.

16. I have twice joined internet dating sites and then left abruptly when I got scared of all the attention I was receiving. I'm on try 3, and hopefully this time I won't chicken out at the prospect of something good.

17. I desperately want to have sex in the projection booth of my school's cinema while I'm screening a film for an audience.

18. My first kiss was on a bus in Ireland at thirteen. I was playing truth or dare with the kids in my program, and one was dared to kiss me. He made me cover my ears, but I could hear him protest that he didn't want to kiss a fat girl. Another boy called him a pussy and kissed me himself.

19. My first make-out was with a very experienced girlfriend in front of a group of people at fifteen. It was also the first time I got drunk or heard people (the girlfriend included) having sex.

20. A bisexual girl at my camp once proposed that we have sex using a euphemism that I didn't understand. When I asked what she meant, she changed the subject. I truly regret not fooling around with her.

21. Straight girls at my high school always made out with one another at parties or when we were drunk. When I got to college, my new friends all insisted that was strange and gross. I just think they're wrong.

22. Few things have made me as happy as not being the last of my group of friends to have sex. I was second-to-last.

23. I sometimes incorporate phallic objects into my masturbation. When it's something like a hairbrush handle (mine has amazing ridges), I put a grocery bag over it so I don't need to worry about cleaning it thoroughly afterward. I don't think I will ever know or love someone enough to tell them this.

24. I am attracted to men who look like my brothers. People find it strange when I say this, but it makes perfect psychological and biological sense and is very common. Neither of the men I have slept with have been "my type."

25. I'm never surprised or disappointed when boys I hook up with don't say goodbye or try to contact me later. I expect it. I'm hoping that someday, I will become the type of person who feels terrible in those situations, because I think that would be a sign of personal growth and an improved self-image.

1. First off, I'm not confused. I confuse people. I confuse them to no end, and that really grates on some of their nerves. Still doesn't make me confused.

2. I give different answers to "What's your orientation?" depending on who's asking. I tell average laypeople I'm bi, because they probably don't know what a pansexual is. I tell bigots that I'm gay, because it annoys them more. I tell people who know what "pansexual" means that I'm pansexual.

3. I would say that I find more people attractive than average, but develop crushes on fewer than average.

4. Sadly, a high percentage of these crushes are on people I have less than a 0% chance of ever sleeping with, on account of their being fictional characters and all.

5. Doesn't stop me from fantasizing, though...

6. I've had two relationships, unless you count elementary school pairings. In which case, three.

7. I've had people of every major orientation/gender identity mix hit on and/or develop crushes on me. Bi girls, couple straight girls, a couple lesbians... several gay guys, couple bi ones... and even the occasional otherwise straight guy. Great for the ego, I tell you.

8. I find intelligence sexy.

9. I believe that gender is in the brain, sex is between the legs, and that gender overrides sex. I know for a fact that there are many people who disagree with this. These people are welcome to not sleep with me.

10. I dislike giant silicone boobs. They intimidate me. They're like henchmen... they don't say anything. They just sit there, ominously. If they had arms, you can bet the mortgage they'd be crossed intimidatingly.

11. On the flip side, naturally giant boobs are fine. The chances of them spontaneously exploding silicone are much lower, and there's more of a chance that the person attached to them doesn't otherwise look anorexic.

12. I've never had sex with a transperson. I'd like to try, but not in that creepy "The only reason I'm dating you is because you have boobs and a dick" kind of way.

13. Something about social dancing freaks the living Hell out of me. I've even devised a system to avoid dancing at parties. (It's quite simple. You hang onto the same handful of chips for about half an hour, and if people tell you to go dance, you say "Can't, I'm eating", waving the chips around for emphasis.)

14. I'm terrible at realizing when people have crushes on me. I mean, just terrible. I just always assume people are being friendly. Took me two weeks to realize my now-boyfriend was, in fact, hitting on me.

15. I would never have the guts to be a stripper. I'd be the world's most awkward stripper. I imagine I'd end up staring at my feet as I took everything off in a meticulous and orderly fashion, after which I'd gather my clothes and briskly walk offstage. I'd be lucky to make enough money to cover parking.

16. I'm not a huge fan of phone sex. To me, it just sounds like awkward questions about clothing, then some descriptions of masturbation, someone breathing heavily into a phone, and then most likely falling asleep at the other end.

17. Despite reading heavily on the subject (like any other teenager with Google), I've only had what would qualify as "oral sex" with two people, one who could really have showered more often, and one whom I'm dating.

18. I'm not in any way turned on by exhibitionism on my part. Maybe if I had a regular (non-trans) body, it'd be different. But not with this body.

19. I could only get into role-playing scenarios during actual bedtime activities. Permanent inequality (ie, a slave/Master relationship, etc.) holds no appeal for me.

20. I think one of the most important things to remember is that there is a huge difference between love and sex. Not that both aren't nice in their own ways, and hey, if they coincide, awesome. But they're still separate.

21. I wouldn't mind trying sex with a woman at some point. It'd be interesting.

22. I often have trouble deciding whether my approach to sex (as a topic) is more "academic" or "hippy." I often then try to imagine how many other people think this about themselves. I'm guessing a couple thousand, tops.

23. I find the word "coitus" highly unattractive. I mean, way to take a reasonably fun act and give it a moniker best suited to some kind of semi-edible shrimp-based stew. Good job, science.

24. I'm game for a lot of things, but excrement, knife play, gun play, and any type of asphyxiation where there's a chance something could go horribly awry are all out, as is anything involving animals or people incapable of consent.

25. I find porn videos with scared-looking participants a turnoff. It's not that I'm against roleplay, au contraire. It's that scared-looking porn stars just remind me of how many porn stars have been sexually abused, and once you start thinking about that, it pretty much kills it.

AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Thursday through Saturday were sexually pretty busy for me. Thursday evening, J (the bi, tatted Italian from down the street) came over to make out for about 20 minutes and stroke a big load onto my butthole and back. I know. So romantic. About an hour after that, "donkey-dicked" C came over to spend the night and that really was romantic. As soon as he arrived, I brought him a glass of water and started rubbing his feet. "You don't have to do that." "I know. I want to." We talked a bit as I sat on the floor with his feet in my lap looking up into his playful eyes. I imagine we were both trying to read each other and check the other's expression for the slightest inkling as to what this new step in our relationship might mean, if anything. It was lovely sleeping cuddled in his arms. And you know how it is in the beginning: You just can't kiss enough no matter how you try. It did get very sexual at one point and that was cool. He fucked me once before we slept, then twice back to back before he left for work Friday morning. He left a load inside each time. Friday brought even more sexual escapades. R, heretofore unmentioned in this blog, is a redheaded white guy in his mid thirties who can suck the paint off a minivan from 10 blocks away. Plus, he likes to smoke weed and he brings his own shit to share. Right on. However, this mofo noodle head is slightly off his rocker.

I stepped out of the room to take a phone call and I started to hear this quick slapping of flesh that stops and starts, stops and starts. I peek back into the room and he's standing butt ass naked, smoking, gyrating to whatever music is playing in his head and sporadically using his hips to slap his dick back and forth on his thighs. Oh lord. Also, he's not into anal, which is totally fine by me. He makes up for it by being super into frottage. Man can that dude work up a sweat grinding his dick on another boner. He climbed on top of me and almost made me cum several times. Finally we busted with him stroking me while I was sucking him. Of course I swallowed his load. (I'm gen'rous like that). Several hours after that while shopping, I ran into D, a former massage client. He invited me back to his place and proceeded to whup my ass in the best possible way. It was this incredible mix of sensually therapeutic massage technique mixed with down and durty chest & ass slapping, biting and wrestling-inspired moves. God, I was in fucking slut heaven. All the while he was interspersing shit talk like, "you like that boy, don't you? You want your ass slapped? Get over here. Put your hands behind your head and don't move." Oh god, I'm ticklish. Please don't put your face...AUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just like that. hehe. There was no penetration or oral, but we eventually both got naked. Bare-assed booty slaps hurt, by the way. D is a bear of guy, too. I swear he's a gay black man caught in a white gay man's body. It's pretty damn awesome.

He actually said, "child, you'll make a bottom want to be a top." He did look poised to pound me at one point, but I knew it wasn't going there. I left his place in Jamaica Plain without either of us cumming and that was absolutely okay. Remember; I hadn't slept since C left my place that morning around 10a. It was after 7p at that point. Saturday, I organized a very last minute sex party. As a result of it being a severe after thought, only 2 guys showed up. Only the dude fucking me shot a load...up my ass. The highlight: I was riding one guy's dick when the other one climbed onto the other dude's stomach and impaled himself onto my cock. I've never done a chain fuck in that position. I liked it. Like I said, I still didn't cum, though. This was after having stroked my dick ALL DAY without an orgasm. I was on fire with all the porn. I didn't shoot my load until just before crashing Sunday morning. If it was good enough for the God of the old testament, it's good enough for me. So I made Sunday my own little Seventh Day and rested from fucking, sucking, jacking, watching porn, everything. Although, I did have brunch with a 42-ish year old, 5'5" cutie who's practically throwing his hole at me. K is a guy I met over a year ago at yoga. Those greenish blue peepers are just beautiful, but I was entirely too tired to invite him over for anything. All things in time. Signing off for now, but the pic above is just one of the beauties taken at the Back Bay Hilton the other week. And yes, that is the photographer's cum leaking out of my asshole. Interestingly enough, before I left for the photo shoot, my roommate (half) jokingly said, "don't fuck the photographer." Don't fuck the photographer, he says. Don't fuck the photographer, he says. What do I do? I fucked the photographer. *sigh*


It's all about the position at minute 3:34

Churned butter, homiestyle

My book tour page has been further spiffed up click here to check it out.

You may notice that I have a retreat at the Southern Dharma Retreat Center in Hot Springs, North Carolina (near Asheville) until March 28th followed by a retreat a week later in Brooklyn (starting April 2nd). Then I have nearly a month off before heading to Europe in May.

Currently, the folks in Brooklyn are planning to fly me to their fair city. But it occurred to me that if I drove to Brooklyn from NC, I could do other gigs on the way back down South. Major cities on the route between the two include Trenton, NJ, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Washington DC, and Richmond, VA among others.

Anyone on that route who might like to have me come give a talk in their city should write me at spoozilla@gmail.com (Would I get more bites if I changed that email address? I never initially intended to use it for gig getting). There's nearly the whole month of April to work with. So speak up!

Part of my reason for relocating to the East Coast was the notion that if I did so, lots of places I could potentially talk at would be within driving distance. This would allow me to do what I do more cheaply and efficiently, I had hoped. But will the folks on the East Coast fail to speak up and thus prove me wrong?

I know it's the new thing these days to sit behind your laptop and deliver virtual Zen to the virtual masses. But I'm still too set in my ways to believe that's the best way to do things. I much prefer to get out there and meet people face to face. Dokusan via Skype is too much like one of those porno video chat things for me.

My tours have ended up being sort of like the punk rock tours of long ago (or, indeed the punk rock tours of today) where you pack everything you need in a van and head off for parts unknown, hoping that the people who have offered you a floor to sleep on don't have any vicious killer animals or are not themselves vicious killer animals.

I do not have an entourage to surround me as I travel. I do not have "people" to set all this up for me (though my pal Catie is helping out a lot lately). I do not have an "office" you can call up for an appointment. I do not sell myself for $50,000 a pop to the rich and brainless for private consultations.

This means I'm sometimes hard pressed to get back to everyone who writes. Be aware I'm looking for gigs where I can make some money. I ain't getting rich this way. That's for damned sure (another reason for moving away from Los Angeles). But I'm trying not to go broke doing it either. So I'm far more likely to respond to gigs that have a chance of actually paying.

People always write and say, "You could give a talk at Bob's Dog Eared Books in Bloomingfork, Louisiana!" or whatever. And that's nice. I do talks at bookstores a lot. But bookstore talks never pay. The bookstores want authors in so they get some customers to buy books from them -- and not buy books directly from the authors. So I can only afford to travel out of town to do a bookstore gig if there's some kind of paying gig in the area as well.

OK? Good. Well, I'm off to go speak at Noah Levine's place in Hollywood, Against The Stream, at 11 am today. The address is 4300 Melrose (btw Heliotrope and Vermont) Los Angeles, CA 90029. Show up! And see ya there!

Teeheehee...

In case you are not following me on Twitter (DO IT! FOLLOW ME!), you'd have been puzzled as to why the photos on the Magnolia advert below looks so bloody professional and chio!!

That is because I bought a ring light!!

Actually I have no idea what it's called but it's basically studio lighting... In the shape of a ring. Kinda like the bulbs we have on our ceilings but standing!!

You balance the ring light on a tripod, and shoot THROUGH the ring light.

On top of the light, in a never-ending effort to make my adverts more professional (*ahem* also to take camwhoring to the zenith), I also bought a WIRED REMOTE CONTROL for my L10 (the DSLR)!!

SNAP SNAP SNAP!! So easy!!

And you can actually see the ring light REFLECTED IN YOUR EYES!! It's really fun.

So anyway here are some more camwhoring shots I took that night:




Anyway there are 3 bonus photos which I found quite priceless. After I set up the ring light and camera, I wanted to see how a portrait photo would turn out so I asked Mike to come over and let me take a picture of him.

He is so mad cute he walked over and thought the ring light is super bright!!!




I said, "B... You gotta open your eyes! I wanna see if the ring light will be reflected in the eyes!"

And so he did:





LOLOL


Poor baby, he has sensitive eyes.

Loads of inquiries about the contacts. They are from Spectacle Hut but I assure you they are not so striking/pretty IRL. Looks more grey than purple. Just the fab lighting!

Inquiry no 2 about the ring light. I bought it at Funan at $100++... That's not including the $40/60 (I forgot which) tripod. The light should be sold at any camera shop.

PLEASE COME AND JOIN US TODAY AND BE PART OF A UNIQUE BLOG COMMUNITY.

all girls in here is lesby. they do oral kissing with each couple. i like it. i want to do same with all girls in here.
so hot and make me orgasme.

Permission to enter this web site and to view and download its contents is strictly limited to consenting adults. By proceeding you affirm that you are at least 18 years or older, and that you are voluntarily choosing to view and access such sexually-explicit images and content for your own personal use. You are familiar with your local community standards and that the sexually-explicit materials which you chose to view and/or download from this web site are well within the contemporary community standards of acceptance and tolerance of your community for sexually-explicit materials of that nature. You intend to view the sexually-explicit material in the privacy of your own home, or in a place where there are no other persons viewing the material who are either minors or who may be offended by viewing such material.

Most people will probably find this entry very boring but nonetheless...

I play Pet Society, a game on facebook... Recently I quit but they introduced Petlings - which is, erm, a pet of your pet. Yes that's silly.

But anyway you can choose either a kitty or puppy (tiger also can but must pay with real life money -_-).

I've always liked kitties but I'm not gonna buy one after The Pumpkin Incident... So I bought a Petling Kitty!! And their puppies are just not that cute, so not interested in the dogs...

The only problem is that for Petlings, when you purchase one as a baby, you can't choose the colour/looks at all. It's completely random!!

The colours available are black, white, shades of brown from cream to chocolate... hideous blue... AND PINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what's the problem, right? Buy it, don't like it, buy another. But even if you have all the Pet Society money in the world, you can't just dump a Petling and buy another. It takes 3 days to grow from baby to adult and if you try to dump it midway the game chides you for being irresponsible -_-.

I got a black kitty (yuck) and then a cream kitty (not bad) but I still can't get a pink one!!

Thanks to a friend who taught me this trick before though, today I tried to get a pink kitty... You can just try and try (without waiting 3 days) till you get the perfect one!!

It's technically considered a cheat I guess but because I'm awesome like that I'd share it!!

1) Load Pet Society when you are qualified to get a new Petling. (ie you don't have a Petling or all Petlings you have are adults)

2) After loading, DO NOT buy a Petling yet. Instead, go to Offline Mode. Offline mode is available in Mozilla and IE but not chrome.

3) Double check you are in offline mode. Now go buy a Petling baby.

4) Feed the baby food to see what it turns into. Now we split into 2 options:

A) You like it. Lucky you! Uncheck your offline and play pet society as per normal.

B) You don't like it. Still lucky coz you read me. Now press refresh. Pet society will tell you it can't load coz you are offline. Now uncheck Offline Mode. Refresh again. TADAH!! It will be like you never bought the Petling baby at all!!

Now all you have to do is to repeat Step 1 till you get the kitty/puppy of your liking!!

:D :D :D

Anyway I was being fucking anal nitpicking on all my kitties.....

I must have refreshed about 40 times and got 3 pink kitties out of all my tries but I didn't really like any of them!!


Got so many patterns one!!

After careful observation I realised:

HEAD: 5 styles and 2 of them are disgusting double chin sorts!! Gross!! Don't like the bald one either. I only like the stewie-head shaped one and the first pink kitty's!!

EYES: Yellow, brown, turquoise and blue. I only want the blue/turquoise on my kitty!!

EYE SHAPE: Pointy and round... Don't mind either but prefer pointy.

BODY: Comes in S M L sizes!!! WTF right? I didn't notice this at first but the larger cats are so much less cute!! Only the S sized ones are adorable but I accept M too.

EARS: Comes in 5 shapes... Don't mind any but prefer the fuzzy ones...

TAIL: Comes in Bushy, MAD FLUFFY, normal, stripey and normal with coloured tip. I only want the bushy/fluffy!!!

FEET: With white 'socks' and no socks!! Of course prefer with socks, but ok with none too.


The dark chocolate one I drew with a heart is freaking perfect except it is NOT PINK!!!!

Erm so after like 2 hours of refreshing I accidentally forgot to hit the offline key before buying my kitty and now I'm stuck with a shitty orange large one (thank god no jowls and has blue eyes) for the next 3 days before I can repeat this evil time-consuming cycle again.

-_-

Feel free to pile either "You have no life" or "ZOMG THANK YOU YOU ARE A SAVIOUR I WANT A PINK KITTY TOO" comments.


p/s: How can it be I got no blue kitty out of like 40 tries? Good thing I guess, hate blue.

Administrative stuff:

There will be Zazen this Saturday at Hill Street Center and it will be part of Month Long Zen and Sex Month. But it is also our monthly day-long zazen, which goes from 10 am till about 3:30 pm. So please keep that in mind if you choose to come. You don't have to stay all day. But we're staying all day.

If you don't wanna do an all-day Zen but wanna do some Zen anyway this weekend, I'll be hosting things at Against The Stream (aka Dharma Punx) in Hollywood on Sunday beginning at 11 am. The address is 4300 Melrose (btw Heliotrope and Vermont) Los Angeles, CA 90029.

The tattoo shown on today's blog entry comes from James in Kentucky. Cool, huh? As I said the last time someone got this tattooed on their body, Gene Simmons always brags that KISS fans get KISS tattoos making them members of the KISS ARMY for life. Well, IN YOUR FACE, GENE SIMMONS!!!

I got a very interesting question the other day from a friend who is not a Zen practitioner but who is very concerned about matters of race, gender and social privilege. She asked, "Have you ever considered that it may be easier for you to give up attachment to identity because your identities are not problematic, are in fact usually not considered identities at all? I honestly do want to know what your thoughts are about your position in the world, so please tell me."

I don't think I can do justice to this question today while I'm scrambling around packing and stuff. But it's an interesting one to ponder.

I do not think that attachment to identity is something that can be quantified. I don't think it's something some people have more of than others, at least at the outset of practice. Except perhaps in some very rare and extraordinary cases.

For myself, even though I'm a white heterosexual male I've lived probably a third of my life in societies where I was a minority. In Kenya, where I lived as a child, and in Japan, where I spent 11 years of my adult life, being a white person did not mean you were automatically of high social status the way it does in Europe and America. Quite the opposite. And I was also part of the punk scene in which being "alternative" in some way was far cooler than being a plain old white hetero male.

Which doesn't mean I understand every thing that people who live their entire lives as part of a truly put-upon social group have to deal with. After all, I did choose to go to Japan (though not to Kenya) and had the option to leave pretty much whenever I wanted to. But perhaps I do understand more than most American white hetero males. I know what it's like to be refused housing because of my race, or to be followed around in stores because "my kind" is known to steal things, to be able to scare little old ladies just by being who I am, to go for long stretches without seeing people of my own culture, to have every little thing I do be attributed to my race, to not be able to buy the kinds of food I like in the stores and so on and on.

I guess the question is; do things like this cause one to need to hold on tighter to matters of identity? Does one's identity as not a part of the ruling class become something which one must cling to and which is therefore harder to drop when one enters into Buddhist practice?

Since I've lived both as part of the ruling class and not part of the ruling class I guess I ought to be able to say. But I don't think I can, at least not definitively.

I believe that all of us, no matter what our race, sexual orientation, gender, etc., are socialized to cling tightly to individual identity and to believe in it very strongly. This goes far beyond matters of race, sexual orientation, gender, etc. Those aspects of identity are very superficial compared to the much deeper issues of seeing oneself as separate from the rest of humanity and from the Universe itself. So my guess is that maybe someone who has forged a strong identity based on his/her/zher race, culture, sexual orientation etc. might have a tiny fraction of a percent more attachment to identity than someone for whom the questioner says identity is not an issue. Maybe. Maybe. Just a teeeny, weeny, itty bitty bit.

But in terms of what we're dealing with in Buddhist practice this would hardly make any difference at all. In those terms, even for members of the ruling class, identity is a HUGE issue. Perhaps it's even worse for members of the ruling class because they've never seen their identity as an identity, having been able to take so much for granted. I'd say a person who has grown up having to understand their identity as identity actually has a small head start on what Buddhism is dealing with in these areas.

That's just my very quick answer on a Thursday morning with lots and lots and lots to do that prevents me from examining this as carefully as it deserves.

Perhaps in future installments I'll make a stab at doing this question real justice.

1. By the time I lost my virginity at 15, all I could think was "finally!" I had been dreaming of sex since an early age and had made the goal to lose it by age 14. Looking back, I don't regret it at all, I almost wish it had been raunchier and more "forbidden." However, it was at my boyfriends house during the middle of the day while our friends watched a movie downstairs.

2. The summer I lost my virginity was the same summer I kissed a boy for the first time. Within 2 weeks I went from first kiss to first time having sex. I hadn't even seen a penis, let alone gotten to second or third base before letting myself go all the way.

3. I was interested in girls from a very early age, and even had an entire collage, floor to ceiling, of sexy pictures from magazines behind my bedroom door. My mother hated this.

4. I didn't really know what to do with this desire for sexy girls and thought it was sorta weird around that age (16 or so), and that my friends would judge me. I only casually mentioned it to a few people. I did, however, initiate most of the make-out sessions my best girl friends and I had during sleepovers. I always thought I was more into it than them. I never felt like those sorts of things would get in the way of friendship or would "be weird" later on. I love the idea of having a best girl friend whom you could experiment with if the urge popped up while maintaining that special girl bond.

5. I later on had a softcore threesome with a close friend and guy I had previously slept with once. There were other people hanging out in the same house, and in the room. I loved every second, even though I was a bit nervous. I do wish it had gone further.

6. After I broke up with my first boyfriend (and first sexual partner... a whole year and three months at the age of 15) I got a bit antsy and wanted to have crazy experiences. I proceeded to get hooked up by a mutual friend with a "hot guy" who knew all I wanted was sex, I skipped school and had sex on a trail near by with a guy I only sorta knew but liked flirting with, I slept with a guy friend's best buddy because he was interested in me (in my friend's younger cousin's bed, no less) and also with the dude mentioned in #5. All of it made me a bit nervous, but also made me feel empowered and in control while I was just figuring myself out sexually.

7. I'm very particular in how I like to be kissed. I am immediately turned off if someone's kisses aren't up to par, but will still give it a shot. I've "trained" guys to kiss me how I like it.

8. I like it when I know people are watching me get a bit dirty with someone. One time, at a party, my boyfriend and I were alone in the hot tub outside. We were grinding and making out like crazy, thinking everyone was in the basement. Eventually we heard some wooting and clapping from on the balcony. It was so hot and I want it to happen again.

9. As much as I like to think of myself as a complete sexy seductress, I think I would much rather have a sweet boyfriend to tell me romantic things and cuddle with (although he still has to love sex and be able to give me amazing orgasms)

10. I don't think I could be with a guy who wanted to wait.

11. I love flirting. I love teasing. Those two things led to a brief fling in which I was the "other" girl in a newly experimental open relationship. The guy was a co-worker and he had been with his gf for three years and they were getting "bored." It was a fun experience at the time, but I am glad it didn't go any further. The thrill of the situation was far better than the actual sex. Things have never really been the same since with the co-worker.

12. I've enjoyed all my "no strings" sex experiences--they are an exciting rush. It makes me feel sexy. But I love getting to know someone and their sexual preferences more. The sex with my current boyfriend gets better every single time. Having the comfort to try anything new and stretch your boundaries is amazing.

13. Until my current boyfriend, I had only been with older guys. Some that were very close to my age, but still older. My boyfriend is 2 years younger than me, and it is the best relationship and sex I've had so far. I think I had it all wrong up till now.

14. I love being pleasured and just letting myself float away. Closing my eyes and not worrying about how much time I am taking or where I am, but feeling fingers and a tongue tease me is one of the best things I can think of.

15. I started masturbating when I was about 7. My mum walked in on me one morning when I was supposed to be getting ready for school, and I was under the covers, obviously playing with myself. I said I was "just resting some more." I also remember shyly asking some girlfriends in about grade 4 or 5 if they ever touched themselves 'down there' because it felt good.

16. I now masturbate almost every night, and love watching porn. I have a fascination with watching hardcore porn and finding stuff to look at that pushes my limits. I usually get off on girl on girl (where one girl dominates the other) or guys talking really dirty to girls.

17. I have a selection of toys and I couldn't live without them.

18. As much as a nice built, tan, "Abercrombie" guy seems attractive, I usually get put off by the ones I meet. They all seem douchy and full of themselves. I much prefer a guy who doesn't realize his own magnificence.

19. I want to live out my girl-on-girl fantasies. The adventures I've had so far have been thrilling. But I am greedy and want more. I would love to have a threesome, but could never do it with my boyfriend. Only if he was an inactive participant and just watched.

20. I often look at other girls in the change room and shower at the gym. It's mostly curiosity about what other people have got going on, but I still feel naughty doing it.

21. I masturbated while driving my stick shift car over a busy, narrow mountain highway. It was a great orgasm.

22. When I was younger, before I'd had sex, I used to go into chat rooms and initiate cybersex with people. I loved reading the dirty words and getting off to the mystery of it all.

23. I never actually enjoyed giving blowjobs until I had found the perfect penis. Having one that you love the size and shape of in your mouth feels incredible.

24. On that note, I despise foreskin.

25. Just over a year ago, I woke up in a stranger's apartment after a concert I had been waiting ages for. It was the most awful and strange feeling. All I remember was arriving at the bar with a group of friends, ordering a drink, and taking one sip. The next thing I know I am in a strange man's apartment, who evidently looked like he had taken care of me despite all the scratches and extreme bruising I had recently acquired. After piecing together what events I could from police, witnesses on the street and friends I didn't even know I had spoken with at the bar, it was apparent I had been drugged and literally dragged out by not one, but two guys. Whilst struggling incoherently with them several blocks away from the bar, an older man (my savior) stepped in, at which point the other two guys fled. He put me in a cab to his house for the night after he couldn't get any personal info out of me. It turns out I wasn't raped by the two guys, but the bruising and injuries didn't go away for months. Even though the guys that drugged and abducted me didn't rape me, it still affects me all the time and makes me so angry. It definitely hindered my desire to go out to bars, even though most people don't think it did.

1. I lost my virginity to a diagnosed psychopath a month after my eighteenth birthday. I didn't know he was crazy at the time. I'm now months away from my twentieth birthday.

2. I was in love with a comic book character for years. In fact, the only way I could deal with having sex with one of my exes was if all the lights were turned off, and he spoke in a low Cajun drawl. I reckon that's the only reason that relationship lasted as long as it did.

3. I hate my pubic hair. I, however, don't mind if my partner has any. They seem to look more natural on a penis than a vagina.

4. Every wet dream I've ever had has taken place in Australia.

5. I don't masturbate because any time I've ever tried was unsuccessful and disappointing. I find my boyfriend can do a much better job than I can.

6. Some of the best sexual experiences I've had were preceded by smoking expensive pot.

7. The boyfriend I have now gave me my first orgasm. He is my third sexual partner.

8. I saw his face while he came for the first time today. I don't believe I've ever seen anything more attractive. We had sex again shortly after.

9. A nice chest embellished with chest hair is the sexiest thing ever. I love hairy men. I mean.. hair on their arms, legs, faces.. I love it. My boyfriend is a veritable hobbit; I've never seen a naked man more desirable than he.

10. Blow jobs really used to disgust me; lately however, I haven't minded nearly as much.

11. I am a straight female. However, my first kiss AND sexual encounter was with another female. It strikes me as completely bizarre that someone as intensely against male insensitivity as she was is now a practicing Baptist with a husband and baby.

12. It used to be my goal to have a sexual encounter with a man from every continent... online encounters included I've gotten three out of seven.

13. The only vibrator I would ever consider purchasing is the OhMiBod. It hooks up to your iPod and vibes to the music. I've wanted to fuck Damien Rice's voice for so long.

14. I am far too jealous and territorial to ever engage in a threesome. What's mine is mine.

15. I hate, hate, hate porn. There's nothing more disgusting to me than plastic love.

16. As straight as I am, I'd fuck Helena Bonham Carter in a heart beat.

17. Accents make me wet. My very first crush was on The Crocodile Hunter. He could tackle an untamed beast and had hairy legs and a ridiculous Aussie accent. I was in veritable love.

18. As far as positions go, I'm rather conventional. Most anything where the only body parts I feel are cock and hands make me feel like a dick receptacle. I hate that feeling.

19. I was molested by my boyfriend in tenth grade. We were fooling around (in front of people with a blanket over us) and I whispered for him to quit, but he persisted and stuck his finger in me. I didn't protest much, but I really didn't want it.. I'd be lying if I said it traumatized me, however.

20. I find many fictional characters sexy.

21. I've posed naked for art. It made me feel wonderful about my body.

22. I once had a wet dream about my best friend's roommate. It was awful, and I woke up having to pee really bad.

23. I used to look up medical pictures of vaginas because I thought mine was strange looking.

24. I really, really don't like how condoms feel, though I see the necessity of them. Not to mention, they look like the balloons clowns make animals out of.

25. I like a man who can be just the right amount of rough.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!!!! (That's the sound of reality stopping while the whole world kinda, like, still keeps on turning and shit. You know how it is.) Do you want a short story made even shorter? Okay. It goes a little sum'in like this. While my donkey-dicked, somewhat bi (don't ask) jerk buddy cum fuck buddy C (yeah, now you remember him) was texting with me last week, he informed me he'll be moving into his own space next month. Consequently, I'll once again be able to spend nights with him. Right on. He's currently living with a hot, big-dicked, straight buddy and his wife. (Trust me. That's another lovely story.) It seemed like every time he'd send another text message, he'd reiterate how much he wanted me to spend time at his new place. I thought it was sweet, but highly uncharacteristic for him to continue saying the same thing different ways. Finally he types something like "yeah because you can come over and spend a day or two when you have time." A DAY OR TWO? Wow. Really? So I said, without thinking anything about it, "that sounds like an offer too good to refuse." "Then don't refuse me...You know, I've been trying to get you to date me for 2 years but you just blow me off." Boom! WHAT???

If I haven't mentioned this, C is a sexy guy, yet very much approachable and he's great in bead, has slight freckles and a somewhat reddish beard on the rare moments he lets me see it grown in. And he has a big dick. I said that, right? Because if I didn't already say it (wait for it)...HE'S. GOT. A. BIG. DICK. I love it when he's just in his boxers and the head peeks below the leg. Fucking nice. Granted, yes I'm overstating it slightly. It's not close to the damn near 10.5 inch French monster (bottom) I tackled with a friend last year. Still, it's quite certainly above average (and I'm still talking about his dick. One track mind. Pardon me.) So I don't know. We'll certainly have to talk if things take that turn and I'm somewhat nervous. For instance, he doesn't know I'm an escort. Since I'm not in love with him, it wouldn't shatter my world if it's a deal breaker, but still. It's not easy to give up $200/hour. My incall rate is $150/hour. Recently, I've taken on an older client who's going through a divorce with his husband. Yes, things are sexual, but not much. He usually comes over for 2 or 3 hours, brings a bottle of wine, port or champagne and just wants to talk and hang out naked. Not a bad way to get my student loans and rent paid. Anyway, C is spending tonight at my place. I'm really looking forward to it. He wants to cuddle as much as I do.

On another note, I'm still getting my freak on. Just the other week, I reconnected with my friend R. He's Italian, GAY, very masculine, beefy, small-hung, cute as a fucking button and 45 or so. He's a butcher version of his brother P. It's crazy that they have the same body type. While I didn't fuck P, we did have a very hot, nude, nonsexual but hella sensual massage exchange session 2 years back. R came over the other week for several hours. During that time, he fucked a load into me, hung out and shared Chinese take out, watched more porn, then got sucked for nearly an hour after that. He finally stroked off a second load. He's such a sex addict. (Hello, pot.) The very first time we spoke on the phone about 4.5 years ago, he was driving and got so boned up he had to pull over and shoot a load. Uh, yeah. It's like that. *Sigh* Men: Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em. Enjoy the links below.
Minute THIRTEEN is the Hottest Position In Straight Porn

Mmmm. Delicious self-facial. Huge fucking load.

This dude is a cock riding champion

How can something so messy be so much fun and feel so good? (Hint: Don't answer. It's a trick question *grin*

1. I’m pansexual, polyamorous, transgendered, and into BDSM. It seems easiest to just say “I’m queer.”

2. Just because I’m pansexual doesn’t mean I’ll fuck anyone.

3. I was 14 when I had my first kiss with a childhood friend.

4. One day later we lost our virginity together.

5. Wearing women’s clothing is sometimes a sensual experience for me.

6. I think triads make the most sense as a relationship.

7. I have a tendency to fall for my friends.

8. I have had one semi-serious relationship, and we never so much as kissed because we were both so insecure.

9. I bite my wrist when I orgasm alone.

10. I’ve never drawn blood from that, but I have cut myself in order to play with my own blood. I find blood incredibly arousing, unless it’s menstrual blood. Then I’m usually too freaked out to think about sex.

11. I’ve never had a wet dream. Sometimes I wonder if that means there’s something very wrong with me.

12. I am very, very uncomfortable with my own body, even though I watch porn and masturbate almost every single day. It takes a long time for me to feel comfortable enough to allow a partner to touch my genitals.

13. I like looking at almost all types of bodies from an artistic standpoint.

14. I have orgasmed from giving head.

15. I love it when my partners have body hair, regardless of their gender.

16. I still experience shame about my sexuality.

17. Men in suspenders make me hot.

18. I love it when very masculine looking men wear women’s clothing and/or makeup.

19. When I was 12 I cybered regularly while pretending to be older.

20. I’m attracted to people barely legal up to people in their 40s or 50s. I’m 21.

21. I love love love men with long hair.

22. I want to have sex with a clone of myself, because sometimes I feel like no one else will ever be able to understand me.

23. I really hate fake-looking, oversized boobs. Some girls look like they’re about to topple over and it can’t possibly be comfortable.

24. I’m not part of the ‘scene’, but I like to wear collars out in public, regardless of whether or not anyone else can see them. It gives me a rush that I can’t explain, even when I don’t have a partner.

25. I like to watch.

The main point of today's entry is to draw your attention to the following:

SPIFFY NEW PAGE ABOUT MY 2010 TOUR

SPIFFY NEW DIMENTIA 13 PAGE

I made these last night. Thanks are due to John Graves for turning me on to the iWeb program I already had in my computer. I never knew what it was for! One of John's compositions was featured in NBC's broadcast of the Winter Olympics. Yay!

By the way the spiffy new DIMENTIA 13 page has a link on it where you can download the complete liner notes for the Disturb The Air album for free. So if you wanna read all about the record and see some reviews and articles that came out at the time of its release, go download the notes!

On Saturday we talked some about love. I quoted from a poem called Be Still And Follow by my first Zen teacher, Tim McCarthy. Here's what I quoted:

God, she said over soup,
cannot add or subtract from who He is
You believe in God then?
He doesn't want me to
knowing,as He does
that God does not exist


All fingers grasp the edge
of this cliff. All other moments
are absent


To experience
is to smother
You cannot breathe
with or within me
You cannot breathe
without or out of me
And there is
only breath

P.S. Bummed out to hear that Doug Fieger of The Knack has died...

Vote me nude twenty three now on and you need 15 comment votes so Odessa members get your vote in before you loose out.

1. I am a 21 year old bisexual female. It annoys me when people assume I am only bisexual as a "phase" or that I can't come out as a lesbian. I AM BISEXUAL. GET OVER IT AND ACCEPT IT! They say that you are lying to yourself if you stay in the closest. I would be lying to myself if I came out as a lesbian.

2. I learned everything I know about sex via my friends at school and magazines. A single father, and then an evil stepmother doesn't make for good sex education.

3. I lost my virginity at schoolies when I was 18. I met him at a party, I bled, he told his friends I didn't shave, and I didn't get his number. I don't even know his last name.

4. I haven't been with a male for over a year, and it scares me that I've forgotten what to do and will be crap in bed. Another reason why is that, truth be told, I am slightly scared and intimidated by them. They are foreign creatures. At least I know how females think, and what do to with female body parts.

5. If I had to pick between females and males to sleep with forever, I would pick females. I don't know if I've just been with crap males, but the best sex I've had is with females. I once dated this woman and she was amazing in bed. I was almost sad to wave the relationship goodbye, if nothing else for the sex.

6. I have problems letting people touch me "down there." I am not confident about my bush (which can probably be traced back to #3) and therefore I will often touch the other person and my pants will stay on. This frustrates me, but I don't know what to do about it.

7. My housemate once banged on the wall while I was having sex, to make us shut up.

8. I was in a friends-with-benefits situation with this guy; I liked him and I thought doing that (it was his idea) would make him like me too. It didn't, and it ended badly. I am never doing that again.

9. I have had too many relationships that have fizzled out after a few weeks, and in every one of them we've slept together in the first few days. I made a vow that I'd never do it again, but I always seem to do.

10. I sometimes wake up from a dream so incredibly turned on, and, in my half-awake state I start to masturbate but I never seem to be able to orgasm. I then fall back asleep.

11. My first kiss was when I was 17, at my best friend's birthday. I kissed three people that night, two of which - and the first two I kissed - were females. I am secretly proud of this.

12. I once had a guy who was getting married the following week ask if we could sleep together. I said no because I knew it was wrong, but I secretly wanted to say yes, but #6 stopped me.

13. There are naked pictures of me on the Internet that I took when I was 18. They are on a website that I respect, and I am happy they are on there, but I am still worried constantly that someone will discover them. These pictures also stop me from doing stuff - like applying for reality TV shows. And I hope one day that when I am famous, I will be mature enough not to care when they are splashed all over magazine covers.

14. When I broke up with my ex, she told me that we "hardly ever made out". This annoys me because sex isn't everything, but more to the point, I never felt a desire to make love to her. One of the reasons that I knew I didn't like her as much as she liked me.

15. Another one of my exes and I never actually had sex. Everyone assumed we had as we made out every time we saw each other until the early morning, and I always had hickeys on my neck. It was so frustrating, every time I saw her I made a vow to finally do it, I'd shave and be all ready, but alas, it never happened. We always talked about doing it, actually had the whole "do you want to have sex? Yes? Well me too" conversations, but it never amounted to anything.

16. I never make the first move. I have once, and it turned out great and I don't regret it, but I am too scared of rejection to do it again. This frustrates the hell out of all my partners and I'm sorry, but I'll never change.

17. I was so drunk at my housewarming I don't actually know if I slept with this guy or not. I know we were on my bed, my skirt was removed, but I don't remember if we slept together or not. If anyone asked, though, we did it.

18. I once got caught by the police having sex on the bonnet of a car. It was with #8, and it was so hilarious.

19. I also told #8/18 that he had a small dick, and by the time I realized what I said it was too late to back-track, although I tried.

20. I once had sex while being recorded via CCTV at a former job. I didn't even think of that as we were doing that, and I count my lucky stars every day that we never got caught - or, if we did, my boss never mentioned it.

21. The first time I watched porn I got so incredibly turned on, despite the fact it was '70s, really lame, and I was with a really good friend of mine. As we were in bed that night she touched me. That was my first time doing anything other than kissing. The only words that were spoken was her asking me if I was okay. I said yes.

22. I've taken videos and photos of myself and exes having sex and I am thankful every day that I have all the copies of the pictures/videos and they do not.

23. Even though I am bisexual, I envision myself ending up with a man - and a white picket fence, a puppy and 2.5 children. I don't think I could go for the entire of the rest of my life without having sex with females, though, so I hope that my husband with be okay with that.

24. I haven't been single for about 2 and a half years, I seem to always jump from one person to another. A friend made a comment the other day that I might want to watch that, that I might get a reputation. I never thought about it like that before: I never see myself as attractive and it still amazes me when people want to be with me. Now I am slightly paranoid about how people see me.

25. I lived with an ex for two and a half months, and it was the most sexual two and a half months of my life. We did it constantly, more than five times a day. When I left - I moved inter-state - it was a shock not to have sex. We would stay in bed all day and all night and have sex. It was amazing, and she introduced me to so much stuff - scarfing, golden showers, dildos, strap on's, anal, while having my period, bondage - almost every sexual thing I've experienced (minus vanilla of course) is thanks to her. And I do thank her every day for teaching me so much. She doesn't know it, but I miss her terribly. We don't speak anymore.