My life is a joke.
I will never be able to say that enough….yet here I sit… utterly exhausted from work/packing up 22 years of my life/popping stress zits…trying to will my way through writing this post without falling asleep. I also may be drunk…I don’t know…I don’t know.
So what do I have to say to you all? What is worth sharing to hundreds of readers?
Today I had a wedgie.
Yes…I’m five…whatever…wedgies fucking exist.
Anywho.
Today I had a wedgie. And it just wouldn’t fucking go away. Usually I go commando at work…cause “free balling” is my personal philosophy. However, today I felt like being a little more professional. So I put on undies.
Hence, the wedge of cotton…shoved strategically up my ass.
That was my first mistake.
Underwear is the bane of existence. I’m pretty sure God did not say… “and on the 8th day…after I rest and shit…I’m going to give you pure cotton/silk/edible under garments to be fashioned to never fit just quite right on your upper left butt cheek…you know the one with the random freckle…yeah that butt cheek…deal with it. Asshole.”
…yeah…way to be a dick, metaphorical Jesus.
It would also help, metaphorical Jesus…cause obviously this story is all you fucking fault….that maybe…just maybe…next time you can make sure I don’t put my boyshorts on backwards.
Maybe say something like… “oh hey awesome lady…I know you’re super tired from work and shit…and maybe from that pound of cake you ate last night…but you should totally look down right now…as you put on undies…which btw don’t you like never wear undies? Are you trying to impress that one dude again? Cause you kind of look like a lesbian right now…sorry…I’m Jesus…I cannot tell a lie. I know. I know. Abe Lincoln said that. Well you know what. That bitch stole that line from me….what a fucking prick…and you’ve just put your undies on backwards…seriously how can you not tell right now. Victoria has got a secret…and it’s shoved up your ass right about now.”
I don’t know if you know this Jesus…but I’m kind of a big deal. So COME ON! Let’s not make me look super retarded…and allow me the option of not putting my underwear on the wrong fucking way! This is all your fault Jesus.
Oh yes. All knowing. And all powerful, Jesus. Next time. Put my underwear on correctly!
God damnit.
