by Airial Clark
When I was 14 years old I had my first moment of hot flash inducing lust. I was in my bedroom when I heard a basketball being dribbled in the parking lot below my second story window. I thought it might be a friend of mine coming to ask me to play, so I leaned out to look. What I saw made my skin go prickly, my ears start to buzz, and heat to rise in my face. The most round taut thick meaty male ass I had ever seen was striding away from me. As I watched each cheek bunch then smooth, my mouth watered. It really, truly, actually watered. I could tell he was about my age and that was all that mattered. I thought to myself, “Girl, you have to meet the person that that ass belongs to.”
It didn’t matter that I was tall and gangly and had a flat-chest. It didn’t matter that I had crazy kinky hair that looked like a lion’s mane. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have clear skin or that I was a size 14. It didn’t matter that I was the living embodiment of everything the pretty girls dreaded being. I hungered after another person’s body.
And that shocked the hell out of me.
Because up until that point, I really believed that people like me couldn’t be sexual. I believed that my body exempted me from sexuality. I was told what a sexy body looked like, and then I was told that I did not have that type of body. I thought this distinction was based upon some type of physiological truth. I believed it was real. That all those ads and TV show plots and exercise videos were trying to help people overcome an actual physical problem. You won’t feel sexy, or be sexy, or get to have sex, unless you look like ‘this’.
So imagine my surprise when my very imperfect, unsexy body had an obviously sexual urge: an urge strong enough to propel me out my front door to go meet the boy at the basketball court. I wasn’t sure if the pulse in my throat was from the running I did to get there or the fact that I was going to see that ass up close. He was alone on the court and as I walked up to him a type of panic set in: would he find me sexy? Maybe my blatant moment of desire just meant I was even more screwed. As in, by having a double digit dress size not only was I supposed to be devoid of desire, I should know better than to expect someone to desire me.
And yet… the physical reality of what was happening could not be ignored. I followed my instincts. I pursued him, and found a mutual attraction. He and I shared a lot of first sexual experiences together. A few months later it was a pair of shoulders on a new boy at school that got my juices going and I got to relive the lust at first sight experience all over again. And again, the ‘big’ girl had no problem starting up a sexual relationship with a boy she found desirable.
Long story short, at a young age my lived experiences as a sexual being contradicted all the ‘truths’ about size and sexuality surrounding me. By having a fun and active sex life I knew that the standardized sexual imagery presented to me was a lie. I was never going to see me, a big, brawny, 200lbs. young woman, having a positive sexual experience. From porn to daytime TV, artful nudes or music videos, I knew it wasn’t about me. So I stopped watching and I stopped reading. I had to tune out to stay turned on.
And you know what, as a woman in my early 30’s, I’m here to say that that is some bullshit. It’s not ok that we’re being lied to. It’s not ok that we have to avert our eyes in order to stay sane. It’s not ok that we are inundated, saturated and castrated by size-negative sexual imagery. Only one size of body is sexual? To Hell with that.
Which is why The Sex Positive Photo Project is so very pleased to bring you images, stories and interviews that ooze body size acceptance. Starting this month, you’ll be able to see and read how size acceptance is a crucial aspect of sex positivity. We’ve got guest posts, a gallery of Heather MacAllister portraits, an interview with Oakland’s own Kentucky Fried Woman and more.
Say it with us, Size Positive is Sex Positive!
Showing posts with label Airial Clark. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Airial Clark. Show all posts
By Airial Clark
(Click for Part one and Part two)
Dossie expressed to us that healing is the ultimate goal of her life’s work. She has written extensively on Shadow Play. Dossie believes, that “shadow journeys in SM allow us to explore our favorite role and bring those core beliefs into consciousness in a playful way. We inject it with life force. I see SM as a very powerful healing path."
As a therapist working in San Francisco, people have sought out Dossie for her depth of understanding won by many years of real life experience. Her approach to providing healing to her clients is similar to that of her encouragement for people in the SM community, “In my work I do a lot of sand tray, art works, symbolic representation crafting, I see SM as a similar thing. I am so grateful to meld both of these ways of healing.”
Having elders in a community is essential to keeping that community healthy. Dossie is committed to supporting the BDSM community and other alternative sexuality communities that she is a founding member by helping other mental health professionals be culturally competent. She is training therapists on how to better serve sex-positive, adventurous, gender-queer people.
We look forward to more of Dossie’s work. It’s really an amazing thing to see her body of work, to learn about her current projects, to listen to what she plans to accomplish in the future, and know that according to Dossie, it all began because she decided to she wanted to lose her virginity.
Thank you so much Dossie!
(Click for Part one and Part two)
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| Copyright 2011 Shilo McCabe |
As a therapist working in San Francisco, people have sought out Dossie for her depth of understanding won by many years of real life experience. Her approach to providing healing to her clients is similar to that of her encouragement for people in the SM community, “In my work I do a lot of sand tray, art works, symbolic representation crafting, I see SM as a similar thing. I am so grateful to meld both of these ways of healing.”
Having elders in a community is essential to keeping that community healthy. Dossie is committed to supporting the BDSM community and other alternative sexuality communities that she is a founding member by helping other mental health professionals be culturally competent. She is training therapists on how to better serve sex-positive, adventurous, gender-queer people.
We look forward to more of Dossie’s work. It’s really an amazing thing to see her body of work, to learn about her current projects, to listen to what she plans to accomplish in the future, and know that according to Dossie, it all began because she decided to she wanted to lose her virginity.
Thank you so much Dossie!
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by Airial Clark
(You can find part one of this interview here.)
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| Copyright 2011 Shilo McCabe |
I asked Dossie what she thought about the ever-expandingsize of the BDSM community. “It is fabulous!” she gushed, “I’m totally excitedwith what I find all over the world.” Yet again, Dossie can bare witness to thetime before BDSM was a common enough referent to an alternate sexuality. Whenthere was no “scene”, no support networks, no Folsom Street Fairs orSchMact!’s, no acknowledgement of darker desires, “I am very pleased to seethis larger community growing.”
In comparing the 50’s and 60’s to today she says, “We haveso many resources now. I’ve spent a lot of time in the places where the scriptshave been written. Which is a great privilege, I was born at the right time Igot the rebel urge at the right time. Iwas in the places where we deciding that the old reality wouldn’t do and sowe’re going to make up a new one.” I ask her for an example of this new realityand she tells me with a whispered excitement, and I feel like I’m being let inon a secret sexy conspiracy: “All over this country there are hotels hostingBDSM conferences where we build dungeons in the banquet rooms. It’s soexciting.” The look on her face leaves no doubt that this is a woman proud ofthe collective kinksters, perverts, tops, bottoms, freaks and sluts that shehas dedicated her life to helping.
In Part 3 we conclude our interview with Dossie’s belief inthe power of Eros and how BDSM can be healing.
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By Airial Clark
Have you ever used the phrase, ‘They wrote the book on it!’ to describe someone’s depth of knowledge, passion or commitment to a subject? Well, with Dossie Easton, it is in no way an understatement to say that when it comes to sexual relationships involving BDSM, kink, and polyamory, she wrote the books.
When I sat down in Dossie’s kitchen, I realized that I was looking into the eyes of a woman who has co-written the five books that whole communities of sexually alternative people live by. She and Janet Hardy have published texts that frankly and honestly guide people on how to explore their sexuality. Shilo and I are so grateful to have had the opportunity to photograph and speak with Dossie in her home.
This is the first of three posts covering our interview with Dossie that we will be bringing to you throughout the month of June.
If you are curious about sex and power, sex and love, sex with other people, sex and your own soul, read her books. The core of Dossie’s body of work is about consent. Which is why it is so radical. Do you want to fight the oppressive paradigm around sex, the soul and the body? Then learn how to ask for what you want, learn how to say no to what you don’t want, and learn how to respect the boundaries of your sexual and intimate partners. This is the how to knowledge that Dossie and Janet provide. For a list of their books, with a synopsis of each, click here to go to Dossie’s website. http://www.dossieeaston.com/books.html These are five texts that everyone should read, and again, this is not an understatement.
Dossie Easton is the elder of our kinky, poly, BDSM tribes. She has a wisdom that can only come from years of experience, and lucky for us, she knows it. “There aren’t many of us left who were there at the start of these revolutions.” Her next project is an autobiographical portrait of the 1960’s. Dossie has two reasons for writing this book. “One as a memoir of my life,” she says, “but also a reminder from where we’ve come from. How different it was before the struggle. I’m starting at the beginnings of the sexual revolution, of feminism, of gay liberation.” In describing the past, Dossie will let us know how far we’ve come. She has seen that, “People forget how everything was illegal, and they would throw you in jail for it. The white out on information was incredible. There were no books.” In a time when sometimes we may feel like we are on information overload it is easy to take the works of Dossie and Janet for granted.
Here’s an assignment for you, dear traveler of the interwebs that brought you to our page: get your hands on one of Dossie’s books. Like a real actual physical copy, read it in a public place and see what happens. Then come back here for part 2 of the interview where Dossie dishes on the current BDSM scene.
Have you ever used the phrase, ‘They wrote the book on it!’ to describe someone’s depth of knowledge, passion or commitment to a subject? Well, with Dossie Easton, it is in no way an understatement to say that when it comes to sexual relationships involving BDSM, kink, and polyamory, she wrote the books.
 |
| Copyright 2011 Shilo McCabe |
This is the first of three posts covering our interview with Dossie that we will be bringing to you throughout the month of June.
If you are curious about sex and power, sex and love, sex with other people, sex and your own soul, read her books. The core of Dossie’s body of work is about consent. Which is why it is so radical. Do you want to fight the oppressive paradigm around sex, the soul and the body? Then learn how to ask for what you want, learn how to say no to what you don’t want, and learn how to respect the boundaries of your sexual and intimate partners. This is the how to knowledge that Dossie and Janet provide. For a list of their books, with a synopsis of each, click here to go to Dossie’s website. http://www.dossieeaston.com/books.html These are five texts that everyone should read, and again, this is not an understatement.
Dossie Easton is the elder of our kinky, poly, BDSM tribes. She has a wisdom that can only come from years of experience, and lucky for us, she knows it. “There aren’t many of us left who were there at the start of these revolutions.” Her next project is an autobiographical portrait of the 1960’s. Dossie has two reasons for writing this book. “One as a memoir of my life,” she says, “but also a reminder from where we’ve come from. How different it was before the struggle. I’m starting at the beginnings of the sexual revolution, of feminism, of gay liberation.” In describing the past, Dossie will let us know how far we’ve come. She has seen that, “People forget how everything was illegal, and they would throw you in jail for it. The white out on information was incredible. There were no books.” In a time when sometimes we may feel like we are on information overload it is easy to take the works of Dossie and Janet for granted.
Here’s an assignment for you, dear traveler of the interwebs that brought you to our page: get your hands on one of Dossie’s books. Like a real actual physical copy, read it in a public place and see what happens. Then come back here for part 2 of the interview where Dossie dishes on the current BDSM scene.
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| copyright 2010 Shilo McCabe |
Today is both the first day of Autumn and Celebrate Bisexuality Day. And I feel the need to kick some knowledge.
We get two Equinoxes a year, right? Two days when the amount of time the earth is in shadow is equal to the amount of time exposed to the sun. I don’t equate dark with bad, or negative or scary, or something to be avoided. I don’t see light as inherently good, positive, something to always be in. Each state has something to value and something to limit. Balance. I’m always moving toward balance. That’s why the Solstices are significant to me too; the days of least balance. The Summer Solstice, for me is a moment of extreme exposure, baring my soul to the sun and to anybody else clever enough to pay attention, and the Winter Solstice is that feeling of complete saturation, restoration, my soul wrapped up in the sparkly dark. 4 days out of the 375 that are clear demarcation points.
I have no judgment for or against any of these; how could I? Who am I to sit in judgment of natural phenomena as powerful as the world spinning? What a waste of time to say the Summer Solstice is best and good and the only day to celebrate. Why see the Autumnal Equinox as a day of mourning because there will be less light? Why condemn the Winter Solstice for being too much dark? In this mode, 2 days are bad and 2 days are good. Only half of the year is good? Who says there are no struggles in the light? Who says there is only pain to be found in the dark? Not me. Nobody asked for my input when these rules were made. No one took into account my experiences when assigning value to these phenomena. I wasn’t around when these categorical decisions were made, and I feel no allegiance to them. I am Californian, where the fair weather is worth more than gold. I’ve never lived in Northern Europe, don’t have any sense of being afraid of winter storms, have not gone months upon months without seeing the sun. I’m not a farmer, druid, nor pagan, yet I celebrate the change in the seasons. You see? The natural world is mine to experience as I will. I can release what does not serve me. I do not have to accept the realities of those who have come before me.
My devotion to balance allows me to surrender to the moment. I can go so far into the dark because I know the light is just waiting for the turn of the earth, and vice versa. movimentum bilanx ~ In movement, I find balance and the Equinox is that perfect day of balance incarnate.
Now take everything I just said and apply it to sexual orientation. Want to make the correlation of the Summer Solstice as hetero and the Winter Solstice as homo and the two equinoxes as bisexuality? Instead of the wheel of a year, it’s the spectrum of sexuality we can move along, both as a species and within an individual’s lifespan. And take note, there is twice as much bisexuality represented on that wheel… coincidence? Hmm? Just an idea. How can one sit in judgment of something so personally powerful as sexuality?
I can’t value hetero over homo, just as I don’t see biexuality existing in reaction to those perceived poles. I don’t believe any behavior or lifestyle is more natural than any other. I see all three as biologically imperative to our survival as a hyper social species. I see all three as healthy forms of relationships, marriages, partnerships… whatever. Being bisexual is not about being more fickle, or more afraid, or more commitment shy then those who identify as hetero or homo. It is about who you love and when and why. The categories of hetero and homo were constructed without my input. Without my experiences being taken into consideration. They hold no personal value to me. Regardless of what my predecessors were trying to do back in the day when they decided this made sense; I see these hierarchical structures as vehicles of stigmatization and control. I am not interested in perpetuating this false dichotomy. I am very interested in dismantling it. We get to experience our world as we see fit. Sexual health is a basic fundamental human right. We need to define our sexuality based upon truth, pleasure and health. We can leave behind the abusive, the oppressive, the dysfunctional. A lot of work has to be done to move past both heteronormativity and mononormativity, but we can do it. It’s all about movement and balance.
To quote Michael Franti, “What I be is what I be.” I love that song. I love that man and his mission and his music and his method and his message. Yup, love it. His music makes me happy down to the core, soothes all my ruffled feathers; which seem to get ruffled so easily these days. It’s the reality infused with positivity that touches me. When he growls:
If I could be sex my words would protect
I'd be in the lives of all who connect
What the heck, I'd make it so we all got selected
pores would be dripping pure hot intellect and
The minds of the masses would all stay erect and
Then just for kicks, I'd mail out some checks
Addressed to those who sent their used latex in
Yes, that's what I would if I were sex
As a nerd this makes me happy, as a sex-positive researcher, advocate and writer this warms me, as a woman committed to a path of responsible hedonism, I am thrilled by it. This song is also about balance, the tautology of the self. I am both light and dark, I can not be one without the other.
Another Michael Franti line: “It’s not about who you love, but do you love?”
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