sex warehouse

ZEN WRAPPED IN KARMA DIPPED IN CHOCOLATE is number five this week in the San Francisco Chronicle's Best Seller list under "Quality Paperbacks." Wooooo-hoooooo!!

I guess maybe this touring thing is good for something. I'm at my sister's place in Knoxville, TN recuperating from the first leg of the tour and hoping I survive the next onslaught. The Deep South leg should be a little better because two of the major stops are 3-day Zen retreats, which are usually pretty chill and don't involve hauling ass from one place to another each day like I've been doing for the past two weeks.

A couple things, while I'm here. As I've said a bunch of times I basically no longer read the comments on this blog. On the rare occasions I do peek in it's clear that a lot of folks who post in there don't believe that. But it's true. I know there's some intelligent discussion going on. But the way some of the haters dominate the place just makes me lose interest very quickly.

Anyhow, I looked in there the other day and some guy was going on about how he used to think what I wrote was a breath of fresh air in the Zen world but now he's seen that what I write is just creating a mass of people who don't give a shit about anything. I'd just like to say that in my observation in traveling around the country meeting the people who've read my books, that is definitely not the case at all.

These are people who, to extend the metaphor of the guy who posted, deeply give a shit about everything. I am constantly amazed by the kind of people I'm meeting as I travel. These are not people whose attitude is "fuck everything I do what I want." They are profoundly committed to something greater than themselves.

Maybe they don't look the way we've been conditioned to believe Zen people should look and maybe they don't use the same vocabulary. Hell, I find some of the people who show up to my talks pretty scary myself! But that stuff is just superficial. There's something happening here and it's pretty amazing.

I can't take credit for this at all. Sometimes I wonder what these folks have been reading! It can't be the crap I write.

Anyway, back to the comments. I've found that the Internet is sometimes like a weird alternate universe that doesn't interact with the real world very much at all. I use the Internet, obviously. But I don't really participate in the bizarre artificial social stuff that goes on there a whole lot. People on the Internet don't act or respond like they do in the real world. When Tassajara caught fire and had to be evacuated some of the people who'd lived there started a blog so they could keep in contact. The comments section of that blog quickly turned nasty in ways that could never have happened in the actual physical community.

This is why I have very little interest in so-called "cyber-sanghas." They really are not in any way shape or form the same as real face-to-face communities. Even with the most up to date technology they don't work in the same way. I know it's tough for people who feel isolated from any kind of like-minded Buddhists. But I don't believe the Internet can ever be a substitute for real life personal interaction.

ANYWAY, while I was in DC, Shawn Cartwright, who hosted me there, gave me a copy of D.T. Suzuki's paperback "Zen Buddhism," published in 1956. I've never read much of D.T. Suzuki's writings. But I'm pleasantly surprised to see that most of it isn't too bad at all. He's a very good source for the historical stuff I've kind of neglected.

But the thing that bugs me is his insistence that Zen is illogical, or beyond mere logic. On page 19 of the paperback he gives an example. He quotes a conversation in which a monk asks Master Shin of Chosa, "Where has Nansen (an ancient Buddhist master) gone after his death?" Master Shin answers, "When Sekito was still in the order of young novitiates he saw the sixth patriarch." The monk says, "I didn't ask about the young novitiate. What I want to know is where Nansen went after his death." Master Shin replied, "As to that question, it makes one think."

Suzuki says about this, "What does 'it makes one think' explain? From this it is apparent that Zen is one thing and logic another. When we fail to make this distinction and expect Zen to give us something logically consistent and intellectually illuminating, we altogether misinterpret the signification of Zen."

Reading that I was just baffled. Because to me the conversation is perfectly logically consistent and even intellectually illuminating. The monk asks the master an abstract question and the master, not wanting to discuss abstractions, answers with a concrete fact. The monk persists and the master explains the true significance of the monk's question very clearly. It is the type of question that "makes one think." And that's all it does.

Speculation on what happens after people die simply makes you think. All anyone can do in response to such a question is indulge in abstractions and fantasies. This is what turned me away from religion a long time ago. I wanted to know the answer to what happened after people died and all I got was stories and fantasies. I found the Zen answer to be perfectly logical when it said that all you can ever get from such answers is a peek into someone else's world of fantasy. And I wasn't interested in other people's fantasies.

I don't really understand how anyone can miss this, especially a guy like D.T. Suzuki who otherwise seems to have a pretty good grasp of what's real and true.

Anyway, that's my little sermon on that for today.

Keep buying them books and sending them rocketing up the charts!

Check the list to your left <<<<< to see where I'll be next (Malaprop's in Asheville, NC as it turns out).

...of affectionate mockery, hence my co-workers' leaving a copy of the hot new book, Live Nude Boy: Shake It, Shake it, Shake It, Till You Can't Shake No More, on my chair for me to find when I made my triumphant return yesterday morning: Thanks, guys! Also waiting for me? The following sign, courtesy of Sendy......and peanut-butter blondies......courtesy of Jeffrey. If you are curious about how he made the culinary magic happen, then might I suggest you take a look at Jeffrey's blog? Welcome to the working week.

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[1] I believe sexuality pervades all social interaction, and that I am being sexual when I shop, work and play.

[2] Accordingly, I don't think any of our received ways of talking about sex do justice to the individuality and variety of sexual ways of being. I particularly reject the stupid hetero-homo scale which seems to make so much sense to others, but none at all to me. (But hurrah for this exercise in celebrating the variety of experience!)

[3] I am a 46 year old man who has had lots of relationships, long and short, and also a lot of time on his own. Every step along that way has shaped me, but none of it dictates anything that lies ahead.

[4] At this late stage, I believe I have found a partner who is pretty much ideal for me, whose entire being seems to align well and resonate with mine, and I can't have her because she is spoken for and lives in the wrong country and still intends to have kids, which I can't give her. But I don't want to own her, and I am over the moon to have her in my life at all. Our sex is the way I want sex to be. But it could be more often.....

[5] I love sex, and am capable of being as slutty as you like, under the right circumstances. I have proved that now and then, and would like to find occasion to prove it in the future too.

[6] I like playing with images, and would love to make porn with people I like, and to show it off brazenly. Showing faces and eyes is really important, as is acknowledging the act of making a picture. While commercial porn is pretty terrible, the recent proliferation allows a lot of non-commercial and arty stuff to grow around the edges and I find much there to like, and I try to contribute in some small way. Commerce makes porn stink.

[7] I have had sex very publicly on quite a few occasions. The world usually reacts well to that (though time and place are critical, of course).

[8] I hope to go to an orgy some day. Indeed, I think orgies are fine projects.

[9] Sex in love is incomparably better than sex for sex's sake.

[10] I have learned a lot from longer relationships and very little of note from casual encounters. Which is not to say that they were not fun.

[11] I love feeling horny, and appreciating other people. Being sexually charged changes the world. I am constantly molesting strangers with my eyes, but that's allowed.

[12] I don't think the details of who sticks what where are all that important, as long as fun is had, and everyone treats everyone else with respect. Beyond that, its all good.

[13] I've tried most "suburban" kinks. With someone else who gets off on them, I like most of them. But I don't get cross dressing. It turns me off. And anything to do with shit is simply disgusting. But that leaves a lot of play ground.

[14] I have had two partners who had tendencies towards self-harm that found expression occasionally in sex that involved blood and knives. That is incredibly moving, strong, and somehow wonderful. I still think its a lot less damaging than harming yourself alone in a room.

[15] Photos and videos of sex and each other have played wonderful roles in several relationships. It's been brazen, and I will never run for public office, because there's probably all kind of shit out there. But I don't care, and I have always treated the material as private. In fact, I have always eventually destroyed it after the end of a relationship. That pains me somewhat, and I would like to have more of a record. But I know why I destroy them, because you don't live in the past.

[16] I like cocks. Don't care much for the rest of men's bodies, and all my sexual encounters with men have been fleeting, often anonymous. But I like cocks.

[17] Because of 16, I have a special fondness for MMF threesomes, where I am with a female partner, and we share an invited cock as a guest. It is using the third party, but they usually don't complain, and they shouldn't! I have been fortunate to have experienced the MMF situation several times, with several partners, and it's pretty much been good every time, and great some times. It is massively indulgent. I have next to no experience of FFM though.

[18] I think my fondness for MMF situations as above is, in part, due to my hatred of jealousy. In enjoying that particular cocktail, all concerned are thumbing their noses at jealousy and ownership. I had a jealous wife. She pre-empted what she (wrongly) saw as the inevitability of me cheating, by having an affair that caused her to fall in love. When I found out, she killed herself. I really hate jealousy. I like love though.

[19] I would like to understand more about other people's sexualities. Even, or especially, people that would not be potential partners for me. I wish more older people contributed to this project. Perhaps they will. I would especially like to hear from people older than me.

[20] Sometimes I hate sex. Sometimes, it seems like it is a cause of suffering for so many people. It isolates. It causes pain. Desire without anywhere to go is a wound. Of course sex itself is not to blame. If we dealt with it better, we could all have so much more fun, and be happier in our own skins.

[21] I have, at times, felt woefully inadequate and lost. I have had sexual encounters that went wrong due to my fears and stumbling uncertainty. But I have also found resonance and wonder where I least expected it. It is 2009 and I still feel like things can begin, and there is newness and freshness to be had. But I'm going through a good patch (see [4]). Next month I may feel differently.

[22] Hangovers make me horny and passive. I could watch all day. I like that.

[23] I miss the random and inappropriate erections of youth.

[24] My first date with the woman who became my wife was to watch the movie Deep Throat. Hmmm.

[25] I'm a simple butt man who likes a world in which his love of a woman's butt can make her smile.

I had a great time last night in Baltimore visiting my friend Laura Rachel, tattoo artiste extraordinaire. Laura and I shared the scuzziest house in all of Akron about a zillion years ago. Then a couple years back Laura flew all the way to Japan to attend one of the retreats I led at Tokei-in temple (guess which one in the photo is Laura). That was a big surprise. She liked my first book and got into zazen because of it.

Back when I shared a house with her I didn't really talk about my practice. I asked her last night if she was even aware of it in those days, and she said she wasn't. Even now I'm a little reluctant to talk about Zen unless someone specifically asks about it and seems sincerely interested. There's no sense in trying to convert anyone. It's too hard. You have to really want to do it.

And speaking of people who want to do zazen, what an audience I had at the Traditional Chinese Cultural Institute in Washington, DC (actually Potomac, MD)! I was primed to expect a bunch of middle-aged Chinese people who wanted to hear about the Chinese origins of Zen. Instead most of the audience was young punk rocker-ish types who wanted to hear about the finer points of zen practice! The kinds of questions they were asking were things I rarely get asked outside of Zen centers. Amazing. Plus they all dragged themselves out of bed to show up at ten in the morning! Thanks!

So far the tour has been going great, but I am really, really tired. Talking takes a lot out of you. The woman who organized my talk in DC told me it's because talking takes a lot of chi energy. I'm inclined to believe that's true. It takes a lot of something! That's for sure! Plus all the dragging around of big boxes of books.

If you want a review of one of my talks on the tour, take a look at Stone Darth's Live Journal page. Yes it's true. I told all those Zen nerds at San Francisco Zen Center that I hate zen. I do. Sometimes. It's important not to love it too much, I think. If you love it too much you have a tendency to get a bit too idealistic and dreamy with it. Hating zen is no impediment to practice. It's what drives me sometimes.

I got two days off. Well, not quite two anymore. I'll be with my sister and my niece Skylar. I wonder if she'll put me on her YouTube show again. Sock Monkey is traveling with me. I know he'd like to be on the show.

My brother-in-law (my sister's husband) is doing up some T-shirts for me. So I'll have those on some of the later dates on the tour (see full info about upcoming dates to your left). Buy them so I can buy gas and eat!

Woah! Some of these photos are seriously overdue!

Anyway, I'm starting with USA shopping.

My USD$100 Tales of Beedle the Bard arrived! (A thousand years ago)



Geez, would you look at those OPI sluts? They fucked and got babies. Nowaways nail polish ah... Sigh.

Actually the baby OPI bottles are part of my 3-tiered Xmas presents from Mike's mom! She's the sweetest ever. She gave me an OPI Festive set, a full ULTA make up kit, and a charm!


Passport holder in the creamiest baby pink with gilded gold fonts and an abundance of shimmer!

I love it!! You have no idea how long I've been wanting a chio pink passport holder man!


Got another pair of slippers also but I am damn lazy to go to the shoe cabinet to take photos...




I had a shoe cabinet that more like a tall bookshelf.

It was just beside the front door.

That day, I was eating lunch at the dining table and Pumpkin was running about. It was the second day I got her and she was so tiny!

THEN, a massive gale of wind blew into the house, and I saw the shoe cabinet waver, as if in slow motion.

IT WAS ABOUT TO FALL FORWARDS! And the bloody thing is laden with shoes and is about 2 metres high!!

AND WORST OF ALL MY PUPPY WAS RIGHT UNDER IT!!!!!!!!!!!

Dramatically, I shouted "Noooooooo!" and ran towards the cabinet hoping to push it back into place but obviously I was too late.

My legs crumpled under the weight and I was crushed underneath cupboard, standing fan (was in front of cupboard and also fell knn) and an absolute avalanche of chio shoes I never bothered to wear. CCB!

Honestly man the first thing I thought of was "OMG is the puppy dead??" and I tried to crane my neck and move to see if Pumpkin was still around but she was nowhere to be found.

And then I found cuts on my arms and legs and realised the corner of the cupboard hit me on the neck. It's muthafucking painful man!! And I couldn't move!!

And my puppy's dead!!

I started sobbing and only managed to pry myself out after about 5 minutes.

Turns out all along Pumpkin was just watching from behind me. -_-

Anyway she stayed with me (licking and looking curiously at the mess) while I cried and called Mike to come home from work to comfort me coz I was so scared!! He came back immediately (his work is only like 2 minutes away from our place) and tucked me in to sleep.

Nabeh. Stupid Ikea cupboard.


I know it's not much but I also had a sore neck for the next like 4 days.

So yeah, stop saying I am so horrible ok! I bloody tried to save a goddamn puppy!! Admittedly the puppy cost me $2,800 lah but that wasn't what I was thinking about when I was playing the hero!



Here's pics of our 3rd Year Anniversary!!


Plugs:

Mosche for my awesome bleach job and great haircut (6735 2149)

Carrageen for great lash extensions (6222 3376)

Hotel Re! for free suite for the night! (6827 8288)



We planned for an awesome night!! First to Shashlik Restaurant to eat dinner (just like our anniversary 2 years ago), then to a Gold Class movie (Watchmen - sucked), then overnight at Hotel Re! in their Gold Suite!! Complimentary!


The quality is not fantastic but I won't say it's any worse than my usual! If I knew earlier that bleaching it so light won't cause it to be completely frizzy I'd have bleached a long long time go man.


This time I took a picture of the toothpick so I will know how to spell the restaurant's name!

After that we went for our movie at Vivo City. I've been reading good reviews on Watchmen everywhere. WTF?? It was so utterly horrible!

Since when do superhero movies not show what the superhero's powers are and where they come from??! And the lead guy (is it like Danny or whatever? The guy with the Owl spaceship) is like damn gross?

What's wrong with his lumpy lips? He definitely put collagen in them lor I swear! And he even put lip gloss on! OMG!

And the blue guy's DONG. I mean seriously lah, I get it that you are above all this super human intelligence and everything, but can't you put on some pants?? There he is yabbering about some philosophical nonsense and there his dick is, dangling and distracting me. Geez.

Hated it.

Finally, @ 2am, we checked in.


The suite is gorgeous!!


I guess it's not the sort of suite you'd wanna stay in with your mom, unless you are the sort who likes to watch your mom shower. Ew! What's wrong with you??



It was fantastic.

We took a nice long bubble bath in the Jacuzzi and mucked around till 4am.

We then slept till 12pm and ordered Room service (Chicken Curry and Seafood Hor fun) before a late check-out at 2pm!

Shiok max.



Anyway Stanley's place has bloody flamingos! Like 2 real flappy pink flamingos! And 2 or 3 Crown birds! I don't know their actual name but they look like this:


And they will peck you if you go too close to them!

I tried to take a photo to show you all but all I got was a darkish patch:



I've always wanted to strangle a flamingo but I don't think Stanley's dad will take too kindly to that as they cost $30,000 each.

See, I told you PK is not an expensive pet. Geez!




I was so happy to see my secondary 3 classmates after 10 whole years! Thanks to Jessica, Hotel Re! provided the venue for our little gathering, including KTV!

It was nice.


In the background, "If we hold on together" is playing. Back in River Valley, the school used to play this song all the time for us to sing to!

I remember during the last day of Sec 4, the school made us all gather at the assembly hall and we all held hands and sang together for the last time.

Many people cried!! I think I might have too. It was seriously quite sad.



Yixun (far left, stunned face) and Huilin (next to him, acting chio haha) got together AFTER school ended!! It's seriously weird and romantic at the same time.

Far right: Sheng rong doing some sort of happy dance, wtf.


Honestly man people all haven't changed that much.

We were discussing who changed the most (looks) and Wong said it might be Sheng Rong (who seriously buffed up and grew much taller) but I very indignantly said "BUT I CUT HALF OF MY NOSE OFF!! Nobody else did plastic surgery!!"

Honestly man... You can't change more than that... Grumble grumble...

I am the one who changed the most!! Hmpf! I must be first at everything!

Anyway it would be fun to show you guys a photo of us all ten years ago but I am too lazy. I might do it later.



This was taken before KK and I went to Lorong Halus. She said she was hungry, so I offered her some soup that I cooked the night before.

Potato, carrot and corn soup, cooked with Pork ribs. It is damn yummy.

And then......




FUCKING DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't see it when I was washing and cutting the corn (NTUC btw) because the bloody worm was completely hidden under the corn kernels!

And only a little bit of the tail was visible! I honestly thought it was a shrunken kernel and ignored it!! WTF MAN!

Thank god that corn piece turned kinda brown after cooking and I told Kaykay not to eat it!!!!!!

I said, "Don't eat that, it looks rotten... OMG IS THAT A WORM??"

I thought it might be a weeny worm but KK went to use her fork to pry off all the kernels and OMG IT IS FUCKING HUMONGOUS!!!!!!!!!

I kept gagging afterwards and felt really bad for letting KK drink my worm soup (which in all honesty tasted great) but she was completely unperturbed!

She even said she'd eat the blood worm for $50 right now! Then she started picking up the worm and playing with it!

Fuck man damn gross?!?!?!

I kept gagging in response, and she was like "WHAT? It won't taste like worm! It will just taste like your soup!!"

I immediately gave her a tenner to ask her to eat it, and she was like "More lah!"

Wah lau...

Later on she changed her mind though coz she tried to tug the worm to break it (what's wrong with her?!?!) and she said the worm is damn hard and won't break so she'd have to chew very hard and she doesn't want to eat it anymore.

Won't taste like worm will taste like soup. Jesus!

Just in case you are wondering I threw away the rest of the soup but it was already half gone.




I took a picture of Weili in front of the Victoria theatre and it looks scarily like a haunted house!!!!!

So I took one too:



I presume that my mouth got opened too wide during my surgery, and it caused this ulcur!

It's muthafucking painful!!



Combined with the wisdom teeth extraction pain, I'd got to say that this is officially one of the most torturous experiences of my life.

Every bite of food hurts so bad! Thank god for painkillers man.

Oh and btw? I tried to pull out one of my stitches. Instead of sliding out like it is supposed to, it ripped out my gum, just like how you'd ripped an eyebrow piercing off somebody you REALLY don't like.

It was fucking painful and my whole mouth was full of blood. GAH!!!

5 days after the surgery was Valentine's Day.

My ulcur was still full-blown and I was miserable beyond words because I knew I couldn't fully enjoy our dinner. :(




Ew to the max! Celery and Carrot drink!

Can you think of anything worst? This thingy was complimentary.


Now this is good! I don't know what it is but it's all seared and crispy on one side and the other side is a tad raw.

And the little jelly cubes with caviar on them taste nice too!


Clams... Not too bad. The clams are underneath the foamy stuff (supposedly lobster emulsion). BUT UNFORTUNATELY THEY CAME MIXED WITH CELERY.

WTF?? How unpleasant is celery?! Please stop putting celery in stuff!


Thank god for Kaykay! She recommended me this thing for putting on ulcurs. It seals up your ulcur and lets you eat in peace! It doesn't hurt at all and it's awesome!

Unfortunately due to the location of my ulcur I had to reapply after every course. I bet everyone there who saw me dab my wound must have thought I have severe herpes or something. (WHICH I DON'T)


Mike looking happy. Honestly man... I don't see how he can be after eating the Forgotten veggies.



We were offered 2 glasses of Champagne initially and we thought it was part of the $500 package we were taking!

But each of the little teeny weeny flute of champagne cost $50!! I didn't even have any coz I don't drink!

I was so bloody upset and guilty about this ridiculously costly dinner and I kept saying 700 bucks can fly us both to Langkawi... But Mike told me to not worry about it as long as I am happy.


WTF MAN! I thought it was gonna be $500, which I already think is waayyyyy too much but unfortunately Mike already booked it.

Nonetheless, we both agreed never to do this again. 14-02-2010, we will be staying at home eating home-cooked laksa.

Somemore the food is not that fantastic. I much preferred it when we went the last time on a normal day and we had the best veal and lobster for WAY cheaper!


My cousin's daughter's 1st bdae and she had a fantastic 2-tiered Pooh Bear cake!

It tastes damn nice the top tier is strawberry and the bottom is lychee!

Not that Chloe cares about the taste...


She much prefers to pop her toe into the beautiful cake when being plopped on the table for photos! Hahahaha! :D


I was wearing my MAHJONG tee! It reads "I love Cash" but since the "C" cannot be seen, Ashley, you can take it as my declaration of love for you and your relentless methods of embarrassing me on internet TV. Hahaha!

I can't believe the star is yawning! Everyone is fawning over her and she's bored! Hahaha!

She's soooo cute.