Dear America,
I’m sick of seeing morbidly obese women fashioning a tube-top or worse…muffin top. Yes, America, I get that muffin top is in style but one day it will end and you’re just going to feel stupid… and disgusting and sexually repulsive. And let’s be honest you already are.
So to help I’m bestowing my mother’s secret(s) to weight loss success. No, it’s not “counting calories” or “exercising.” That nonsense is for pussies.
1. Chew and Spew.
Now, chew and spew doesn’t translate into bulimia, because you technically never swallow the food. You “chew” then “spew.” It’s like a lighter version of regurgitation; except instead of feeding a baby bird (if you were a bird), you’re just spitting into a trash can/ toilet/ your neighbor’s mailbox. The whole idea is to allow your mind to savor the sweet nectars of the fried/diabetes infused/ heart attack causing food, while reminding your body that you are a part of society that should enter Biggest Loser.
2. Sugar Alcohol.
I don’t think people realize how much shit is inside of them. Twelve pounds on average. So why not shove 13 Atkins bars loaded with sugar alcohol into your black hole of a mouth and just wait for the pounds to slide neatly out of your butt. Except it may not “slide” out per say. You might/possibly/definitely will experience 7 to 8 hours of horrible cramping, butt leakage, and fatal gas. It’s just like having diarrhea, except in this case you did on purpose.
3. Fiber Gummies.
They look so innocent, all tasty and poop enhancing. But I will admit they are the best way to lose weight the lazy way. With 2.5 grams of fiber in each gummy, just by dropping 19 gummies on top of your diabetes sundae you’ll be peeing out of your butt hole all night long. And that is a great night in my book. Eat fiber, poop out pounds. It’s basic geometry.
