I’m 22 and I’ve never been to the gyno… I know. I know. This is like super duper bad, but come on! Metal-jiggy thingy-mebobber does not make the list of “things I want shoved up my who-hah.”
My mother said I’d either go after I started having sex or when I turned 18. Well, um, I guess she forgot I turned 18 four years ago and I guess I forgot to call her to tell her the great news…
“Hey mom! Guess what?!? I got laid!”
“This is your father.”
And I don’t have an issue with the doctors, but any time I think about going to the lady doctors, I always have this nightmare that the doc whose checking out my girl-junk will either vomit/fart/post a video on his vlog simultaneously while my legs are strapped in the stirrups of doom…
What if he calls in a nurse? And then another? And then another?!
“Is it moving?”
“I think that’s the black hole Einstein was talking about?”
“Are you sure it was Einstein? I thought it was someone else.”
“Whose the doctor, Stewart? And who’s the male nurse”
“Fuck you.”
Next thing I know NBC/CBS/your fucking noisy as fuck neighbor have swarmed into the back corner of my room, to afraid to get in a 5-foot radius of my who-hah without being sucked into an endless pit a doom…like so many fallen brethren before them.
“Its like a train wreck.”
“I just can’t look away. I just can’t.”
Women are vomiting. Men are screaming. Obama has just issued a state of emergency….for America.
Brian Williams, who seems unable to stop gagging, is reporting live to the nation, no, to the world.
“This is the worst thing since hurricane Katrina. This is worse than New Orleans,” he stops to hold back vomit that has secreted into his mouth.
“World… this is hell.”
I’ll become a novelty. Soon, people will want pictures with my who-hah. T-shirts with my lady-stuff and “I’ve been to hell and survived” printed on the front, will be sold out of rickety-old van for $9.95.
Um…I think you see my dilemma.
Unless I get a cut of the profits, then I’ve got a really good idea for some new products...
All in all, I like to think that a little self-examination with a small hand mirror is all I really need in life. That is all I need right?
Right?!
