I think we can all agree…I’m kind of a douche…sooooo I hate a lot of things I probably shouldn’t.
Enjoy.
1. I always hate when people say shit like, “No regrets!” “Never live with regrets ya’ll!” “I’ll never regret any decision I’ve ever made….ever!”
Really? You don’t have a single regret? Ummm….yeah…I’m calling bullshit on that one….
…because I’m pretty sure you regret whatever the fuck you did last night or I wouldn’t have awkwardly run into you at the local CVS pharmacy picking up your weekly prescription of plan B now would I?
“You know it’s only one pill now.”
“Oh is it.”
“Yeah…no regrets…”
2. Those god damn mother-fucking “CO-EXIST” stickers that I see on every god damn liberal hippie douches Datsun.
That’s not even an eco-friendly car. Jesus Christ. I swear to god, it just has the fucking word “sun” in it, so now you think it’s all pro-environment. Who isn’t pro-environment?! Oh wait…I’m not.
…I swear to God there must be requirements to buy this fucking sticker.
“Do you have dreadlocks?”
“Yes.”
“Do you shave your legs?”
“Only in the summer.”
“Good enough…you are now the proud owner of the douchiest, of the douchiest bumper stickers.”
“Will some pale ginger, whose awkwardly cute, come and kick the back of my car now?”
“Oh absolutely.”
I will.
3. Nature.
….not a fan.
4. People who buy PBR because and I quote, “I like the taste.”
….douche.
5. People who like…no…looooooooooooove nature.
…go marry a tree or some shit like that.
6. Snow.
....oh you think you're sooooooooooo cool, with your whiteness and your fluffiness...you're so fucking arrogant. I hope my dog pisses on you.
7. The "I don't see color" people.
...sure you don't.
8. Over-patriotism.
...just go have sex with the American flag and leave me out of it...okay?
9. Those assholes who look at me weirdly when I ask for 5 scoops of mayo on my sandwich.
...oh I'm sorry you don't know how to enjoy life...don't drag me down your path towards miserableness.
Yeah...that's right. My list ends at nine. Why? Cause I'm lazy and my head hurts from lack of beer/sleep/mayo...
Deal with it.
