If I could sum up my sex life in one word it would be: “Meh, I’ve had better.”
Isn’t that so true though? At least for women. Sex is like meth or crack (whatever your racial preference may be). You keep doing it to achieve that ultimate high and yet you find yourself ultimately disappointed after every hit. And thus the vicious cycle continues.
Wanna stop the massive drug use in America, America? Make people better at sex. I wish I knew how to quit you, Inevitable Bad Lay.
Whew. Edgy stuff.
I think about sex nonstop. I swear to God there is a penis hiding somewhere up in my who-hah. No, not yours. (Well maybe, I’ll check later.)
It’s not that weird to think about sex. I’ve heard other people do it to. Did you know, even your parents have had sex? I never knew.
I doubt they think you’ve done it though, unless your like me and your mother finds your dog chewing on an unopened Trojan in your room.
God damnit even my dog is a whore. Give her a cap full of Michelob Ultra and she is humping everything in sight. I’m so proud.
I am picky about my sexual escapades. I literally will bone any guy who thinks I’m funny. (Sorry, Ladies, you’re out. Vaginas are icky.)
Let’s say I’m great with men, whatever you don’t know me.
“You’re hilarious.”
“Let’s have sex now.”
“Oh god no. You’re funny but sexually I’m repulsed.”
Okay that’s never happened. The trick is always to have a paper bag handy.
I’ve made a couple of sacrifices for my career. The main one being I want to go on this journey alone (for the beginning at least). And I definitely cannot be with someone who doesn’t think I’m funny.
I’m not complaining; I made this decision. I think it’s just too apparent that way to many women give up their dreams for their husband. And I just can’t be one of those girls.
I hope to make a new path for female comedians/writers.
And if not at least I’ll get to bone some D list celebrities along the way.
