1. Diet Coke
....how can a chemically enhanced substance that doesn't include liquor cause cancer...what the fucking fuck, America. What the fucking fuck?!
2. Light Hellman's mayo
Stop being a little bitch and eat the real shit...also, I'm legally obligated to admit that I'm not exactly sure it if does or not...but I'm just going to go ahead and assume so...that being said, light mayo is for losers...and devil worshipers.
3. Porn
...now I know what your thinking...'Natalie, porn doesn't cause cancer, you so crazy.' Am I though, am I? Just think about how close your man-junk/lady parts/he-she thingies are to that cancer thriving electronic machine...I just prematurely blew your mind didn't I...and your load.
....also, Jesus, let's talk. We are all going to die...so why not watch other people doing it, in weird positions that my body will never allow for a couple hours a day until then? What's wrong with that?
4. Pollution
...god damnit, I love you so much, too. No. Seriously. I love it.
....also...I felt like a total douche google imaging, "funny pollution." Seriously, I'm going to hell.
5. Strategically timed black jokes
...how does every good black joke start? By looking over your shoulder...whatever... you're all going to hell with me, people that pretended to stifle a laugh in front of their computers.
6."The Secret Life of the American Teenager"
....okay this doesn't cause cancer...but that show needs to fucking die.
7. Spray Cheese
...look we all have our vices...you like cocaine...I like spraying copious amounts of pasteurized cheese into my mouth. Deal with it.
8. KFC Double Down
...I think we all need to learn the phrase..."Fuck sliced bread."
9. Turn Signals
...oh wait...they don't cause cancer....use your fucking turn signals Maryland drivers. USE YOUR FUCKING TURN SIGNALS!
10. Taco Bell
...I will always love you, Taco Bell...always.
