sex warehouse

I recently was asked to do a feature post at Studio 30 Plus which I accepted. I had a few weeks notice so I wrote up a piece titled "Flawed" and it was all about how I had learned through the course of recording my thoughts and actions in my blog that I have a flawed person and that I can accept that and how I can be OK with being just what I am.

I was ready to post that link up on Sunday to go live on Monday but I had a different thought on my heart and in my mind when the time came and so I wrote and posted "One Word" instead.

Why the change? I am not sure. I just know that it feels like it is really time for me to start learning how to say NO. Somewhere along the line, I forgot how.

I have always been very upfront and honest with my goings-on here at Random Girl. Everything in this blog, unless specifically identified as fiction, has been lived by me. I have shared the good, the bad, the scandalous, the joyous, the disappointing, and the confusing. All of it has been here for you to read and comment on. More importantly, it is here for me to reflect on.

So last week, I told you that I had a pleasant evening/morning with Secret Agent Man. I was sincere about that. What didn't get posted  yet is that I also saw Fireman and Neighbor Guy before the week was out.  I had more orgasms collectively last week than I have had in quite a while. That would be the "glass half full" outlook. The "glass half empty" outlook would be that, I did more out of a feeling of obligation and expectation that I would, as opposed to my desire or want to spend time with those people or in that situation with them.

That's a problem. Even I can see that.

Somewhere along the line, in my pursuit of being a woman pursued, I lost perspective of why I want that. Why I seek that out. What I really want seems to no longer matter, it has become a matter of wanting what I have in front of me. That's not good enough anymore.

I have begun to contemplate what the alternative would look like for me.

What if I took a break? What if I quit having sex for a while? How would my life change? What could I do with the time and energy now consumed by these pursuits, on these false "relationships" and dead end situations?  

What if I broke ties with the guys I am currently with and cleared the slate. Can I do it? Most of you have been with me on the majority of my ups and downs with Fireman in particular and despite "firing" him multiple times before, I always end up back in the bedroom with him. What would be any different this time? How would I keep from going back to him again?

Can I say No? Can I keep saying No? Should I? What happens if I don't?

I know I have asked a lot of questions in today's post. I don't expect any answers from anyone but myself but I thought I would at least put it out there, share with you what's on my mind and why, with the hope that as I make my decisions that you all can help hold me accountable and build my resolve to start thinking about things a little differently going forward.

So I say "thank you" in advance for hearing me out and helping me think things through, encouraging me to do what needs done, and forgiving me when I am weak. In a way this has become my new "Flawed" post, but it looks a lot different than my original concept of it did!

For those of you that didn't make it over to S30P to see my "One Word" post there, here it is.