Today I'm taking it deep at Random Girl. This is for several reasons. First of all, if everything was always silly and full of shenanigans, I would be Predictable Girl, not Random Girl.. Secondly, if I am really going to embrace the 30 Days of Shamelessness concept, I need to be real about the few things on the list that could give me an opportunity to grow and move past some shit.  Consider this your warning and feel free to bail out now if you don't want to come along for the ride.  


I'm knocking out two of the heavy hitters with this post because they are kind of  related, at least in my mind, and I don't want to have to write about this kind of stuff again any time soon. I kind of hate this, which means I probably really need to do it. So here goes.... 


Consider this me coming clean on the following days worth of shamelessness:
9. expose something messy or dirty you’d usually hide.
24. share a struggle you have yet to “just get over.”


I'm going to expose something that is messy that I would usually hide. It's also a struggle I have yet to "just get over".  Yes, I am dramatic like that sometimes.  Here's my story.


Sometimes one thing leads to another that leads to another and before you know it you are somewhere you didn't think you would be doing something you wouldn't think you would do and you aren't quite sure why. Ever been there? 


There was a period of time for me, like between the ages of 5-7 years old, when something that shouldn't have happened to me, did. I didn't know it at the time but after growing older and learning more about such things, I can clearly say that it was wrong and it was not my fault.  That's the advantage and the curse of having perspective. 


At the time, it was all presented like a game, like something that should be fun, was innocent, and I should even enjoy. And because the person that did it was close to the family and not a whole lot older than me, it was all ignored by the adults that should have intervened. It was written off as insignificant. It was not. But not knowing the full extent of what was going on or the impact that it would have on me as I grew older and developed my self-image, I simply pushed it back from my mind and went on about my business. 


My family moved and it became a non issue although I still would see this person from time to time. I just smiled politely and tried to avoid him. I didn't want to think about it and I certainly didn't want to talk about it. Once, when we were older, I think I was like 16 at the time, we ended up alone for a moment and he brought it up. I think he was attempting to apologize but I couldn't think about it or talk about it so I cut him off mid-sentence and I left. Ignore it and it will go away right?? 


But it didn't go away. It never had. It was always in the back of mind in two ways. 1) I was never really sure what to think about what had happened. I didn't think that he had hurt me but I also knew that something was very off with the situation because every time I thought about it, I wanted to get sick to my stomach which tells me that at the core, it was bad. 2) I lost respect for my body and didn't think it was worth honoring and protecting any longer because the damage had already been done. 


The second part was something I didn't figure out until much later, after I had abused my body in a number of ways including hiding behind being a "fat kid" in elementary school, stashing diet pills and adopting the "scarf and barf" lifestyle in high school, and offering myself up to most any guy that showed me attention to try to prove I was  "in control" of the situation. I clearly was not in control of anything in those situations. 


I lost the perception of myself, my body, and my worth. I felt like it wasn't mine to have since it was already taken over once.  How could it be important if someone else was allowed to do things to me and no one who could have stopped it did? What did that say about how important I was or how much value I had? 


I know now how flawed that thinking was and how it wasn't my fault. I don't blame my parents or other adults that could have or should have known because I don' t think it was intentionally ignored. I know how strong denial can be and how you can talk yourself into believing that "nothing happened" if realizing that the opposite is too painful to admit and if taking action would destroy other people. 


Why am I talking about this now? Why am I using space to drag you all into this not-so-happy place that was hidden for so long? Because I need to for myself. I don't have the luxury of denying and ignoring any longer because now I have a daughter. A daughter that is the same age as I was when this started happening to me. I have to be honest about what can happen and I won't risk letting the same things happen to my daughter that happened to me and pretend it can't or won't happen to her. 


I can't change anything that happened to me but I can change how I deal with it and I can use that experience to be extra aware and vigilant in protecting her. That's my responsibility and that's the lesson I have learned. 







I'm also using this for my response to the Studio 30 Plus weekly prompt: The End
If you aren't part of S30P yet, you need to be. Get over there and sign up!

I don't consider myself a writer. I write, yes, but not by trade or from a result of focused education to do so. I write because I feel better when I get words out of my head and onto the screen or on paper. I write for myself and have for years. It's only recently that I have began putting my writing out into the public realm. It can be a scary thing.

I took it a step further and started sharing in forums like Studio30 Plus, Indie Ink, and The Dude Society. I have learned so much from reading the amazing pieces that people have created and shared in these venues. I also realize that most of the time I am really out of my league when it comes to my writing vs. others.

I am lucky to have a group of fellow writers that continue to read what I put out there. I dare say that a few of them have become "friends" and a few have come to be friends outside of the interwebz. It's an awesome thing!

On thing these regular readers/commenters bring is support and encouragement. But because they are nice, I don't get a lot of criticism or critiquing. So when I do have someone offer criticism or point out flaws/room for improvement, my first reaction is "Ouch!"

My second reaction is "Thank you!" I have so much to learn and I want to be continuously improving my skills and finding ways to make my words more impacting and clear when that is my objective in writing such as by participating in the thinks like the Indie Ink Challenge.

For this week's II challenge I posted words around the prompt "Quicksand". I got a lot of great comments that let me know the feelings and intention I was trying to convey came across to the readers. Whew!

I also got a comment form a new reader. It was a reality check and although polite and ultimately hopeful of my "talent" also told me I could do better and it needed work. She was absolutely right and I even reached out in email to thank her for challenging me to step up my game and work through it to provide a better finished product. Her were her thoughts:

Grace O'Malley said...

The imagery is almost there. This is a good draft, but putting prose into short paragraphs does not turn it into a poem. I hate to be the only person saying this sort of thing to you, but you are talented and I don't want to just pat you on the head and move along.

You have the bones of a very sharp poem here! Now polish it until it can be used as a weapon.

As much as I enjoy all the positive comments I need comments like this to help me grow and hold me accountable to produce pieces worth reading.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a big rule follower and most of my posts are just for fun and I feel comfortable throwing convention out the window and will continue to do so. But on formal writing and challenges where I a want to stretch and grow, I will keep the criticism in mind and try to step up my game.

So quit being so damn nice to me all the time and give me some constructive criticism to work from will ya?!? (Just don't be jerks about it...ok?)

I recently was asked to do a feature post at Studio 30 Plus which I accepted. I had a few weeks notice so I wrote up a piece titled "Flawed" and it was all about how I had learned through the course of recording my thoughts and actions in my blog that I have a flawed person and that I can accept that and how I can be OK with being just what I am.

I was ready to post that link up on Sunday to go live on Monday but I had a different thought on my heart and in my mind when the time came and so I wrote and posted "One Word" instead.

Why the change? I am not sure. I just know that it feels like it is really time for me to start learning how to say NO. Somewhere along the line, I forgot how.

I have always been very upfront and honest with my goings-on here at Random Girl. Everything in this blog, unless specifically identified as fiction, has been lived by me. I have shared the good, the bad, the scandalous, the joyous, the disappointing, and the confusing. All of it has been here for you to read and comment on. More importantly, it is here for me to reflect on.

So last week, I told you that I had a pleasant evening/morning with Secret Agent Man. I was sincere about that. What didn't get posted  yet is that I also saw Fireman and Neighbor Guy before the week was out.  I had more orgasms collectively last week than I have had in quite a while. That would be the "glass half full" outlook. The "glass half empty" outlook would be that, I did more out of a feeling of obligation and expectation that I would, as opposed to my desire or want to spend time with those people or in that situation with them.

That's a problem. Even I can see that.

Somewhere along the line, in my pursuit of being a woman pursued, I lost perspective of why I want that. Why I seek that out. What I really want seems to no longer matter, it has become a matter of wanting what I have in front of me. That's not good enough anymore.

I have begun to contemplate what the alternative would look like for me.

What if I took a break? What if I quit having sex for a while? How would my life change? What could I do with the time and energy now consumed by these pursuits, on these false "relationships" and dead end situations?  

What if I broke ties with the guys I am currently with and cleared the slate. Can I do it? Most of you have been with me on the majority of my ups and downs with Fireman in particular and despite "firing" him multiple times before, I always end up back in the bedroom with him. What would be any different this time? How would I keep from going back to him again?

Can I say No? Can I keep saying No? Should I? What happens if I don't?

I know I have asked a lot of questions in today's post. I don't expect any answers from anyone but myself but I thought I would at least put it out there, share with you what's on my mind and why, with the hope that as I make my decisions that you all can help hold me accountable and build my resolve to start thinking about things a little differently going forward.

So I say "thank you" in advance for hearing me out and helping me think things through, encouraging me to do what needs done, and forgiving me when I am weak. In a way this has become my new "Flawed" post, but it looks a lot different than my original concept of it did!

For those of you that didn't make it over to S30P to see my "One Word" post there, here it is.

The good people at Studio 30 Plus asked me to be a featured writer today at the S30P Magazine.

Of course I said yes!

I love that place. If you haven't joined Studio 30 Plus yet, you need to get over there an check it out. It's a great community for writers to be challenged, learn from one another, and just have a good time.

I did a little bit of poetry for my featured post. It was not what I intended to contribute but it hit me over the head yesterday, almost literally, and I needed to get it out there. It is titled "One Word" and it's probably not what you think. Curious? Go read it!

Hope you enjoy!

It's Studio30 Plus weekly writing prompt time again, kids! 


I have been thinking about this Studio30 Plus writing prompt since it went up this week. I have been stumped by how I would approach it. But alas, it was time to write or quit, and I am no quitter so here you have it. 

This week's prompt from the good people at Studio30 Plus is: RISK
I know a little something about this from a few different angles. I wrote a couple versions of this but this is what I'm feeling for it today, something short and sweet. Enjoy!

RISK

Here we are at Monday again. Hope you loves had a fantastic weekend!

First and foremost, a huge thanks to Amber LaShell for making Random Girl look so F'ing hot! She designed my new blog look and now I am in love with it and her! Thanks Girlie!

Now, back to business....

Just wanted to give you kids a little update on the Random Girl rotation as I'm sure you have just been sitting around waiting to see what I have been up to since the search for Fireman's replacement has officially begun.

Last week I started talking to a guy who had some solid potential, let's call him Mr. Out of Town shall we? He is only here on business for limited time so that is perfect.  He is my prototypical guy looks wise, 6', dark hair, light eyes, athletic build. If it ain't broke, don't fix it right? We collectively have the worse schedules ever and despite our best efforts throughout most of last week, were not able to meet up until late Saturday night.

We made plans to meet a club, upon walking into which, I immediately ran into The Man. Remember him? What are the odds? Slim I tell ya, very slim. The Man seldom goes out and less seldom goes to this particular club.  Luckily I was looking smokin' hot and got immense satisfaction of seeing the look of "Daaaaammmmnnn!" on his face when saw me. He tried to stick around and talk but I advised him that I had to go find my friends. He proceeded to text me until 4am. Sorry baby, you snooze you lose with this girl.

Shortly after my second run in with The Man at the club, I met up with Mr. Out of Town. I was not disappointed with the real life representation of the theory. He has twinkly eyes, twinkly I tell you! And his friends were pretty cool too so we had a good night out at the club, dancing, having drinks, being a little flirty.

I'm  glad I decided to go and check him out. I had debated on even starting it up with him since he is on his way back to Vancouver on Tuesday but what the hell, life is short right?  As the night was winding down, we were just getting started. I can't tell you that last time that I have had a honest to goodness full throttle, hot-as-hell, horny teenager make out in a parking lot but I did on Saturday. So totally not me yet so totally appropriate for the moment and my mood. I got home and still smelled liked him, and he smelled so good. I almost didn't want to take a shower in the  morning just to keep breathing him in. I know, weird, but I love a guy who smells amazing but not in an "I'm trying way too hard and doused myself in a gallon of Abercrombie" kind of way.

I declined an invitation for an overnight. Don't ask me why because I don't know but I did and it was the right decision. He has been trying like hell since then to see me again..hmm... wonder why?!? We shall see. If it happens, it happens, if not... then have a safe flight home Mr. Out of Town. Right? I have gotten over my sense of feeling like I owe anyone anything because I simply don't. I'll keep you posted on how things shake out but one way or the other he is out of town and out of mind on Tuesday for good.

On the longer term front, Secret Agent Man is back in town on Monday and we have a date Monday night. It has been a few weeks since we have gone out or been able to see each other so I am looking forward to putting him back on the calendar, hopefully on a regular basis. I'm not getting too excited at this point because there a lot of unknowns but he has potential so we shall see. I'm like the teacher that starts everyone off with an A, it's up to him to keep it.

Other than stocking the rotation, not much going on with Random Girl at the moment. Looking forward to working on this weeks Studio30 Plus writing prompt "Risk" and I signed up at Indie Ink for a challenge, which my challenger has decided I need to "write a story where nothing happens".... he must read my blog!!

Thanks for continuing to tag along with me through my randomness, you guys rock! And a big welcome to my new followers as well...welcome aboard! Hope you like crazy and inappropriate because you will get a lot of both here.

No I'm not insulting you kids, it's the kicker line of my new favorite song.

Ever have one of those angry sex songs that really hits the mark on what you are feeling at a given time? Well this is mine right now. A little context for you on what has brought about this angry sex song feeling. As some of you know, I recently fired my Fireman. Yes, I know, who would have ever seen this one coming??? Long story short, the ROI just was not happening for me any more. It was supposed to be fun, easy, and good. No Strings Attached. Cum and go. Nothing less, nothing more.

Lately, for a number of reasons, it was more effort than reward. Long drawn out text fights, excuses, and not to mention his girlfriend was taking up a lot of my time. I was having boyfriend-caliber fights without the benefit of said boyfriend.  That was not the program I signed on for, kids! So as much as it pained me to do it, I fired him on Saturday night. No severance benefits will be provided. It did make for a rather inspired spot of poetry though, if you haven't already done so, check out Burn Me Down over at Studio30 Plus.

Now I know why most companies have security in the room when the firing occurs at a place of employment. The boy was not happy. Is not happy still. And continues to tell me just such a thing via text/IM/email etc. This is the hazard of hooking up in the digital age I guess. No more screening your calls. Eventually he will be at the "same place" at the same time. Awkward.

I have been tempted to reinstate his services but so far, I have resisted. We will see how long that lasts. I know myself well enough to know I am going to continue to be tempted. I'm currently interviewing his replacement(s) and am hoping that goes favorably. You know I will keep you kids posted.

In the meantime, enjoy this little gem of an angry sex song. Pretty much sums up my whole attitude on the Fireman situation at the current moment. I'm including a few stanzas of the lyrics for you,, kind of says it all but it's much cooler when you get to rock out too. The chorus is the kicker in this situation.


D.R.U.G.S. - Sex Life Video 

Desperation, before I hit the ground,
Reaching out for something.
We've lost it all before
And we still want something more.
We want it all!

Can't make you shake the way that I do.
Can't make you love,
The way that you're supposed to,
And when you come crawling back,
You'll see we can't change the past.
For the first time
I see you for who you really are.

If you had a sex life, a sex life
Would you even worry about mine?
When your bed is empty
If you had a sex life, a sex life
Would you even worry about mine?
When your bed is empty
You're a waste of time!
[ Lyrics from: http://www.m/lyrics/d/drugs/sex_life.html ]
This love was made to hate what you are.
You sold yourself and can't come back, you're too far.
And when you turn you around,
You see yourself on the ground.
And for the first time
No one cares just who you really are.

If you had a sex life, a sex life
Would you even worry about mine?
When your bed is empty
If you had a sex life, a sex life
Would you even worry about mine?
When your bed is empty
You're a waste of time!

Random Girl is spreading the love and madness all around the interwebs today kids. It's like hide-and-seek only I'm telling you where I am hiding right up front so it should be really easy for you to find me.  So ready or not, here I am!

Oh and on a new midday update, I have been award the Nice Rack award by my lovely Jewels and my sweet Kat!  Me and my perky set thank you graciously! I would like to send this award back to both you sexy things because you possess spectacular racks yourselves. Other will be getting this award from me in the near future, I have to do some...research....


Today, I am thrilled to be the featured writer at Indie Ink. They picked up my "Concrete" post that originated from a Studio30 Plus writing prompt. If you haven't spent some time at Indie Ink, you need to. They feature amazing writers and artists.

Bad Sex The First Time? Will You Get A Second Chance?

by Lisa | April 6, 2011 | IN DATING & SEX
Filed Under: Featured

Are you playing with the cool kids at Studio30 Plus yet? If no, get your butt over there and get wordy with us! This week's writing prompt was: Las Vegas

Although I have many weekends of Las Vegas shenanigans to draw against for inspiration, I decided to take a little fiction short story angle the prompt just for fun. So here goes....

Just to keep you all guessing a little, I am going to take yet another departure from the regularly scheduled Random Girl programming and throw a new Studio30 Plus prompt your way. This weeks prompt: Red

If you aren't already hanging out at S30P, get over there and sign up. So much great talent in one place!

Here is my take on it


RED

Are you sick of me yet? Probably. But too bad!
Random Girl has been a busy little bee lately, writing for this blog, Studio 30 Plus prompts, The Red Dress Club, and most recently The Dude Society.

I just wanted to take a moment to say a big "THANK YOU!" to you all for the overwhelming support and comment love you have shown me, both here and at The Dude Society.  I am still proving myself to the editor there so any comments, feedback, love you would like to throw my way on any of the articles I have published there to date are awesome!

Here is a review of everything that has been published thus far at The Dude Society. Next up to publish is "First Time Sex Etiquette". Should be up this week.  If you have any topics you would want me to cover that would be appropriate for a mens magazine, let me know and I will add it to my list.

Big Randy kisses to you all **MWAH**!!

Articles by Lisa

About the author

Lisa, aka Random Girl, is a mild-mannered professional by day, wickedly clever blogger/sex goddess/smartass by night. Lisa has very little internal filtering and is the voice behind Random Girl Blogs. She also makes fantastic chocolate chip cookies.

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