And since I hate following rules in general, I'm going to skip from #2 to #21 on my 30 days of Shamelessness fun... because I can. Let this serve as #21: express a strong feeling
I have mentioned Secret Agent Man in several posts, most recently the one about rediscovering the joy of the morning quickie, so you already know that things work well with us on that level. Well, apparently having a summer of "dialing it back" has afforded me a little much needed clarity regarding what I want and who I would like to have be part of it.
Now this is not a hasty decision on my part, no impulse on this one. I have really mulled this one over and I keep coming back to the same conclusion: I like this guy. That's not to say there aren't challenges or circumstances that I would like to be different, but all of that aside, I still like him.
One of the things that had been a source of frustration has been his tendency to go MIA. I don't need him to give me his itinerary but I'm a chick after all and as such, I like to over-think things and assume that everything is about/or because of me. I assumed if I didn't hear from him for a while, he must be over me/with someone else, etc.. I just didn't get it. But now I do. Wow, amazing what a direct, mature conversation can do for a girl huh?
We both ended up back in the same city at the same time on Monday night. That had not happened in quite some time as one or both of us have been traveling and in his case, he has literally been out of the country or locked on a military base with 700 of America's finest for a month straight. Not much he can do about that.
So last night, over several cocktails in a dark corner of a nearly empty bar, I fessed up. I came straight out with it. I have a very big crush on him. His smile said it all, although hearing him directly reciprocate the sentiment didn't hurt either. I told him it was a rare thing for me to a) crush on a guy and b) fess up to it, as I have a tendency to keep everyone at arm's length and have an excellent poker face. He said "Yes, I have noticed, you are a very hard girl to get a read on." I am truly my own worst enemy.
The confession led to a much needed and long overdue conversation on the topic. We both know that our situation can't be and won't be a traditional one at this point because it's just not feasible with what we both have going on aside from each other. And I am OK with that.
We had a pretty big breakthrough on our communication, or lack there of, and how we can both do a better job at it. I think I understand his thinking much better now and he understands that a few little things from him can talk me off the ledge when I go all "chick" on him.
Figuring things out at the crush level and already having things well beyond figured out in the bedroom is making me like him more, which scares the shit out of me to be completely honest, but I think it's something worth putting myself out of my comfort zone for. Time will tell I guess.
But I was happy to wake up beside him again in the morning, and that counts for something.
