First things first I'm over @ http://www.funnynotslutty.com/ today, so go check it ouuuuuuuuuwt!
And next, I would like to present an honorable mention from my contest last month, Aggy, who has so graciously let me post her hilarious story...
Be sure to check her out at http://www.aggykryss.blogspot.com/ and now on to the story...
I used to work at a restaurant and there was this SUPER HOT guy who came in all the time and sat in my section. This was back when I was really into tattoos and piercings ("You have a tattoo? Here, look at my boobs!"), and this guy had 163, or so he said, with plans for more. He also had a tongue ring and eyebrow ring. And even without all the decoration, he was pretty to look at. He was also very nice and had a very sexay voice that could soak my panties in one phrase. Usually that phrase was, "I'll have the fried chicken and fish plate, please." I know, super sexy.
One day, he asked me to come hang out with him at his place after work. After my shift, I ran home to shave the hairs off my vag and legs and scrub the grease from the restaurant off my skin. I wore a pink tank top and even PUT ON MAKE UP. Woah. I was stoked.
I get to his house, and we sit in the front room and proceed to get fall on our asses drunk. His front room is quite normal (he was almost 30... I was 20... I was impressed with his lack of slovenliness that most other guys' apartments seemed to contain). After a while, the usual "lets-make-out-and-make-our-way-to-my-room" routine begins.
At this point, it is important to tell you I'd only slept with TWO other people in my life. This is very important information, keep it in the back of your mind.
Things are going good in the bedroom. Really good, in the dark, quiet room. His dick is gigantic, and I am excited to sample the biggest penis I had ever felt!
Things started to get awkward for me when he started saying things like, "Oh, you're such a dirty whore. Let me lick your A-hole." But I tried to roll with it, finger up the A and all, because hey, he was hot and I didn't want him to know how inexperienced I was! Duh!
Then, he turns on the lights. Because he wants to see how beautiful I am.
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
I'm lying on my back, on his bed, and he's sliding his giant dick into me, when I notice that over the bed he has hung a MOTHERFUCKING NAZI FLAG.
I look around the room and there are Confederate flags, there are Satanic posters, there are all SORTS OF CRAZY INSANE THINGS hanging all over this guy's room!!!!! And I'm too scared to stop him from slamming into me like a freaking horse on PCP because he's a MOTHERFUCKING NAZI!
After he finishes, he puts on a MOTHERFUCKING G.G. Allen video (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GG_Allin) and tells me THAT is his hero. At which point I gather my clothes in shame. And of course, thank him for the lovely time but I must be going now it's 6:00 am and I have class in two hours...
And he tells me, "Good. I gotta go pick my girlfriend up to take her to school anyway."
!!!
"Oh, does she go to the university too?" I ask.
"Nah. She goes to NAME OF LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL."
Ummmmmm...
And what's even weirder is that he called me a bunch of times to try to lure me back to his fortress of psycho.
The end!
