Birth control scares the shit out of me and I mean really scares the shit out of me. I pretty much think it’s going to trick me into thinking I’m not pregnant and then 10 months later I’m watching the premier episode of me, on “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” That, or it’s just going to kill me.
We’ve all seen those commercials:
“Have you taken Yaz?”
“Yes…”
“Did you die?”
“No…wait…what the?!”
Now, I’ve never used the pill and I never will, because yes, I think it’s going to kill me. So instead, I use condoms, but those are only 99.99% effective. So, um fuck.
Of course any time I have protected sex, I think I’m pregnant, and my period is so fucked up to begin with, it’s impossible to track.
So instead of being smart and calming the fuck down, I just get on webmd.com and cry myself to sleep because webmd.com says I’m either pregnant or I have a brain tumor that about to explode out of my left earlobe, and at this point of my hysteria, I’ll take the brain tumor.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m pro-life, well technically, I’m pro-my life, and a baby would just really mess that up right now.
My friends have even offered to take care of my potential “love mistakes”, and probably only because they know I’m retarded and that I’m not pregnant.
So what needs to be done? Well I should probably just smarten up and realize most birth control isn’t secretly plotting to destroy my future. Or maybe I should stop being a whore. But until that I guess I should just get ready from my television debut…
