I have a huge ego. I blame it on my parents.
“You have a gift, you really do.”
“I really do. Now laugh bitches. Laugh.
And you know I’m glad my parents have always blown this much smoke up my ass. It will probably make me famous, because I will expect nothing less.
However, I will not be doing this same shit to my child(ren).
Oh no, no, no, no.
My little bitches or bastards (which is probably going to be more accurate in my future years) are going to hate me.
Why you ask? Well, mainly because I’m probably going to hate them first. With their cute faces and their baby soft skin and perfect fucking complexions. Fuck that. I can’t even compete with them.
And don’t even get me started on how many fucking marshmallows they can shove in their fucking mouths. It’s not even …it’s just not even fair…
They will be my perfect little scapegoats. I’ll get to blame them on my failed comedic career/ my inevitable obesity/ my late night trips to Taco Bell and Long John Silver.
“You want hush puppies and fucking steak quesadillas?! Good choice, but don’t get mad at me when you’re washing me with a cloth on a stick, little fuckers.”
I don’t think I’ll name them either. I don’t want them feeling entitled or some shit like that. I mean Jesus, all they did was come out of my lady-junk.
Big. Fucking. Whoop.
And last time I checked, that’s going to be all me. Fuck that. I get to get their names instead. When I have my first you can just call me: Conway Liz Lemon Natalie Mayonique.
Mayonique… it will totally catch on….Fuck you. It will.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I know this may sound bad. I’ll totally give them money and trust funds for their early teen drug addiction… but they will definitely love their nanny more than me.
