Nobody remembers that bit from the movie Sid And Nancy, do they? Some bus driver (I think) is telling Sid Vicious he wrote a punk rock song and asks if Sid wants to hear it. He does. It goes, "I want a job, want a job, want a good job, I want a job that pays. I want a job, want a job, want a real job, one that satisifes my artistic needs."
Anyway, this post supplants the one below, which, I realized was a bit vague.
The day job I've had with Tsuburaya Productions for the past 12 or 13 years is over and done with. I'll collect my final paycheck on December 31st. I've saved enough that I won't starve to death or anything. And the pittance I earn from writing will help. But I gotta get out of L.A. because this town will drain that stuff in mere months, whereas most other places I could go, I could hang on for a while on that money.
So I'm more looking for a place to go than a big fat paycheck. My destination of choice is Montreal. I may go there anyway. Or somewhere else in Canada. I've been considering just walking the Earth like Caine from Kung Fu. But that's probably not the best plan. I've received a few nice ideas, which I am considering. But more are always welcome. Even if it's not Canada. Any place has potential to be a great place. And what I think is right may not be what's actually right.
My Zen teacher, Nishijima Sensei, always advises his students not to quit their day jobs. There are a lot of good reasons for that. But the first and foremost is that people who do quit their day jobs to be full time Zen teachers so often seem to turn bad. They get into the Zen drama way too deep. I actually love the fact that I never have time to engage in that shit and I plan on keeping it that way. So a job I will seek and seeking a job will be my job for the time being, with little time left for much else. This being-too-busy-for-Zen-drama is a teaching by example I've received from the two greatest Zen teachers alive today, Gudo Nishijima and Tim McCarthy.
I don't want to criticize anyone else's way. Well, actually I do. I enjoy it. But it always gets me in trouble. And with the whole dead grandma thing, and the moving thing, and the seeking a job thing, and the worse-than-I-expected jet-lag thing from two weeks in the Eastern Standard Time Zone right when Daylight Savings Time ended thing, and the trying to finish my third book thing and all the rest of it, Zen drama is not what I need at the moment. Or any moment. So post away, anonymous trolls. But I won't be engaging in it. I'm a bit sad right now and it's not gonna help anything.
Y'know, here's a clue to understanding how I approach this Zen stuff, in case you're into clues. Maybe I've said this before. But I never wanted to be a Zen teacher. A lot of guys out there did all of their training and practice in a continuous state of chomping at the bit for the day they could finally put on some robes and become a Zen teacher. Not me. I just took up the practice because it worked for me. I accepted ordination because Nishijima Sensei wanted someone to fill in for him at his lectures. It took me almost a year to finally give in to his request even then. I've continued doing teaching because, like the other aspects of the practice, I've found that it works for me. But I still fucking hate it. Hate, hate, hate it. Do not like it at all. Nope.
This is why when you come to one of my sittings at Hill Street Center you'll often find me in a somewhat cranky mood at the start of the day. I know it's a great thing to teach this stuff to those who are interested. I know it's valuable and I know that I am good at it (Sorry if that sounds like bragging. Deal with it.). But I hate it. I just want to sit quietly by myself and here are all these people vying for my attention, thinking that I have something I can somehow bestow upon them. I got nothing. Why don't they ever learn? I cannot muster up whatever you need to muster to be the bright, cheery, warm and welcoming presence I probably ought to be when folks start arriving because -- may Jesus forgive my immortal soul -- at that moment I usually just want them to go the fuck somewhere else and leave me be.
I know teachers who just eat that shit up. They love, love, love having a bunch of people around who think they're the Bee's Knees. They're so eager to bestow their teachings upon the poor lost souls who come to them for their sage guidance. Feh, I say! Feh! Feh! Fehh! I've run away from a lot of those guys and I have no patience for them whatsoever. If you like that kind of shit, go to one of those guys. I really do not care.
But anyway I always soften up towards the end of a sitting and get really happy I'm able to share the quiet time with others who value shared quite time. I end up being deeply touched that you're there (though I will never admit it). So please don't be put off by the ogre I always seem to be when you arrive. Just don't bug me too much or I'll throw a cushion at you. There are plenty of people out there who come off as big, warm, caring huggy bears, when behind the scenes they're nasty, deceitful, hurtful, cut-throat, passive-aggressive, power hungry fuck-faces*. Be careful of those guys, OK? Be careful of me, too. Please. Always be careful.
Gosh. I really wandered off topic that time.
Anyway. If you guys got any good ideas for future career moves or places to go, keep sending them in. And thank you! I really appreciate it more than my cranky demeanor will ever allow me to show.
I'm gonna write a review of the Puffy** show last night soon. But I want to give folks a chance to respond to this first.
* If I was referring to someone specific I'd say so. Rest assured of that. But there are really too many of these asswipes to single out any one of them.
** I refuse to call them Puffy AmiYumi.
