There are two choices to every decision: the right choice and my choice. The right choice ends with success and entitlement. My choice ends up with me being pushed out two taxi’s belligerent, incoherent and texting my boss “I can’t find my jews”…but maybe I should start this story at the beginning.
It was a glorious Thursday afternoon at Bloomingdales with my boss and general manager of “Cool Place.” After 3 hours of dressing the GM for her date Friday night I was getting anxious; there was a kegger at “Cool Place” with some cool people and I didn’t want to shop any more I wanted to get crunk.
We arrived back to the 27th floor of “Cool Place” around 6 p.m. and were surrounded by Taco Bell, kegs and fat guys in skinny jeans: pretty much my Mecca. The boss relieved me of any photographic duties and I run, literally run to the Bell, shove a taco in my face and begin to play beer pong with my friends.
Side Cup in one hand, ping-pong ball in the other, I chat up my friend Mary, (who really isn’t named Mary, but I could never remember her name, and still can’t, so I always just call her Mary…which I don’t think she really liked that, but whatever), who interned for the hottest guy I have ever laid eyes on. Like ever. Dennis from It’s Always Sunny, hot. Jude Law, hot. Completely out of my league, hot.
“How can you not want to shove him against a wall and do terrible terrible things to him?!?
“Eh.”
“You shut your mouth!”
After losing 3 games and consuming a shit ton of alcohol (thanks to gluten allergic partner) by 7p.m. I found myself in a herd of “Cool Place” employees and interns that I barely knew staggering to none other than the classiest dive bar I had ever laid eyes on.
Hot Employee was in the group so in my head, higher BAC meant higher chance with Hot Employee. I was wrong.
9 P.M.
Shot. Shot. Beer. Shot. Shot. Beer. I was feeling blitzed but it was only 9p.m. I couldn’t be that light-weight that left ridiculously early. Lame. Chubby Employee, seeing that I was getting restless, swooped in and started a conversation.
“My name is blah blah blah, it’s like the cheese blah blah blah.”
Now seeing as that is exactly what I heard, this should have been the cue to go home and vomit in a toilet like a normal person. Instead, I drank two more beers, grabbed Chubby Employee’s ass and started hooking up with him, in the bar in front of EVERYONE.
Classy.
TO BE CONTINUED
